(Alignment of "Us"- Excerpt #159 from an epistolary I'm releasing next year)

Dear Johan,

A great example of alignment is when someone knows that I love them even when, in the moment, I can’t feel it.

A great example of alignment is when what I do, when I’m not trying to signal, signals to the other person that I love them.

A great example of alignment is when a person is at the edge of how they understand themselves and they look me in the eye and we can both tell that we’ll still be in love after we find out more.

A great example of alignment is when someone does a behavior I usually feel shame about doing myself, but when they do it I see innocence and beauty.

A great example of alignment is…

I want to cry right now. The Texas Supreme Court voted to allow judges to refuse to marry gay couples based on religious beliefs.

I don’t seem to be in alignment with the Texas Supreme Court.

I don’t seem to be in alignment with Republicans or Christian Nationalists.

If I’m not in alignment with a person I can just go somewhere else.

I don’t really understand how to participate with people with whom I don’t share alignment.

I can feel the part of me that could just wander off. What stops me is thoughts of the people who can’t wander off, people that have to stay.

Jordan just called me. I really needed him to call. He’s telling me he doesn’t know what to do…

I told him it’s so weird to be so flat-footed spiritually. I can’t sense the direction of love.

He just asked me if I was upset because I can’t find forgiveness. I said that feels secondary. It doesn’t feel like I can even think of forgiveness until I understand how to protect anyone.

I cannot let my tribe face this alone.

But Jordan’s not a homo. So he wouldn’t lose any rights if he did nothing and he’s telling me he’s my tribe.

He’s my “us”. He’s always in a stand that we can’t be in an us vs them. I really listen to him and watch him when he says that. I tell him that and he’s quick to tell me that I can certainly take some time to us vs them. But that’s what the last years have been for me. I already know where all that goes.

When so many people are calling me inhuman, it’s hard to still call them human…but I’m resolving now.

It means so much that he called. He’s showing me that I don’t understand all the shapes yet. In my brain there’s a picture of the word “them” being crossed out.

We stayed in a little longer and, like a pebble floating to the bottom of a pond, I found my skin in the game.

This is all about family. I didn’t think I could have a family when I was young if I wanted to be gay. When I met T and J and realized that I could have a family, I was heartbroken that I had been bamboozled into a limiting belief.

I don’t want anyone else to be bamboozled.

The pebble settles on the bottom and I can feel a truth: I’m not above duties that are perpetual. 

It’s like the laundry. Jordan says it’s just like Arjuna. Now he’s saying that an unwinnable fight can still be worth fighting. I can feel myself arising now to gather the crops from the field. God isn’t picking on me. It’s just time to work.

Grief of progress: Jordan is talking about how surprised he is…he thought we had come further than this. 

I note that I feel a kind of sureness inside. In Avatar (blue aliens not airbenders) there’s a part where the animals themselves rise up and defeat the bad humans. I thought that the Republican-Christian-Nationalists wouldn’t dare to poke the bear. 

I am the bear and there is no them. Just an us. My whole body feels toward this now…it feels like how it feels when I’m in a friend’s house at night looking for the bathroom light switch.

But right now I’m not afraid.

I hope you had a great night,

Mike