self-discovery

You’re doing sex wrong: What I wish everyone knew about the emotional presence, physical skill, and energetic magnitude of blissful, fulfilling sex. Emotional Presence

Orgasm is a paltry goal

Orgasms aren’t always a clear yes-or-no thing for me. There’s an ever-growing range of pleasurable experiences that I call “orgasm,” and the one I’m certain would be widely agreed upon as an orgasm is the least pleasurable one for me (it’s still very pleasurable, but it's last on my list.)

Here are some examples of wonderful aims to have in sex. None of these require orgasm; all of these could include orgasm as a delicious side-effect.

• Feeling more connected to each other

• Co-regulation

• Joy and play

• Exploration and discovery

• Prayer, awe, and communion with the divine

• Experiencing enjoyable sensations

• Embracing the present moment

• Basking in beauty

Sex as embodied emotions

Making love, sex, and fucking are three different things for me that are also able to coexist.

Making love is embodied emotions intertwining.

Sex is a physical act.

Fucking is carnal enactments of our animal beings.

All three (and any combination) are more wonderful, and more vulnerable, when everyone involved is present in their bodies and emotions. When I’m embodied during physical intimacy, I’m likely to cry, to admit I feel self-conscious or inadequate, to pursue repressed cravings, to discover I’m not who I thought I was, to feel overwhelmed with love, to feel helplessly swept away by sensation…

I was in my 30’s the first time I had intimacy where we were both fully embodied and emotionally present with each other. Since then, I’ve had basically no interest in sex that isn’t borne of emotions. 

Say your love

We’re used to saying “I love you,” and “Thank you for…” but it’s very rare for people to say their love.

It’s impossible to say why I love someone. The love itself seems to just happen, regardless of anything. But I can describe what loving them is like. And I can name things I love about them.

“When someone says you’re awesome, it feels like they’ve also just told me I’m awesome. They see what I see about you.”

“It feels like you celebrate me for exactly who I am, and that you’re already celebrating anything I will discover about myself.”

“I admire the responsibilities you choose to take on.”

It started with a dear friend. We’d hit a rough patch, and when we talked it through I learned that it’s incredibly helpful for her when I say what I love about her. I’d always noticed those things, so it was just a matter of remembering to say them out loud. 

It was like magic to our friendship, the bond turned from string to rope.

A few months later I added the practice into another very close friendship. It was instantaneously generative, I was blown away. That experience has been so rewarding that I didn’t even realize I was starting to do it with everyone. Unexpectedly, it has started to come back to me. I noticed because love started coming from different people than the ones I had been saying my love to, seemingly out of nowhere.

“I don’t know of anyone better at building community than you. The group wouldn’t be what it is without you.”

“You don’t seem to be doing personal growth from wanting to fix or change yourself at all. It feels so good to be around.”

It’s a beautiful practice because you consistently draw your attention to where your love connects to the words that come out of your mouth. It’s a beautiful practice because intimacy instantly increases when you say your love, even if they have trouble really taking it in, because you’re more in tune with why they matter to you and to your gratitude for having them in your life.

Physical Skill

Your body

Integrate your body sensations.

The next time you’re massaging a sore muscle, notice whether you feel an invisible boundary when your hand goes near where massage therapists don’t go. Try expanding that boundary line while keeping the intention of massage instead of shifting to foreplay or masturbation.

The next time you’re experiencing sexual pleasure, notice whether you keep the sensations of pleasure confined to certain areas of your body. Try using your breath and your attention to share the pleasure with your whole body, your whole self.

Lips and kissing

Kissing is, for me, one of the most deeply intimate interactions of all. My lips are very sensitive, and to meet someone else’s lips feels like an electrical connection straight to our essences.

Where is your attention when you kiss? Maybe it’s mental, an expression of care. Maybe it’s habitual, a ritual of attachment. Maybe it’s goal-oriented, a first step toward sex. 

Next time, before you kiss, feel your lips. Let the nerve endings come alive and start to tingle. Feel the sensations of smiling, of your lips touching each other, of your tongue wetting your lips and the air brushing the wetness. Approach your partner’s lips slowly, and sense the excitement of increasing closeness building in your chest. Pause before your lips are touching, and swim in your longing. Imagine how their lips will feel to your sensitized skin. Kiss from discovery, your lips finding theirs. Explore sensations. Feel your turn-on.

When I do this with a partner who is compatibly oriented, my body responds intensely. I have uncontrollable contractions. This is one of the sensations I choose to call orgasm, and this one is very high on my pleasure list.

The cervix

Women hold tension in their cervix. The cervix can be as soft and supple as a cloud, or as hard as a rock, and everywhere in-between. When there is a lot of tension in the cervix, no amount of foreplay will calm her enough for her to be able to feel her own turn-on, and penetration will be painful. Imagine the fiercest muscle knot you’ve ever had, then imagine someone banging repeatedly on that muscle knot with a hammer. It’s just like that.

The tension in the cervix can be released with tender, patient, attuned cervical massage. She may have a lifetime’s worth of pain and anxiety held there. Be prepared for her to cry. A lot. Be prepared to stop and hold her while she sobs. Be prepared for this practice to be something you have to return to over and over for weeks or months. The benefits of cervical massage can be out of this world. 

When my cervix is soft, it’s impossible to remember what want or resentment feel like. When my cervix is soft, it’s easy to feel turn-on, joy, forgiveness, and bliss.

The penis

Imagine orienting to sex from the perspective of an emotional and energetic experience instead of from the perspective of a physical act. Concepts of size or hardness don’t make sense from this perspective.

It’s common in tantra to call the penis the “wand of light.” The power isn’t based on the shape or density of the wand, the power is in the intensity and clarity of the light.

When I feel love for him and our connection is well-tended, his penis feels amazing, even if it’s an uncommon shape. When I trust him and feel safe to release any vigilance, his penis feels amazing, even if it’s small. When his heart is penetrating mine through his eyes, his penis feels amazing, even if it’s soft. When he is fully embodied in himself and is rooted in experiencing his pleasure with me, his penis feels amazing, even if it’s not inside me.

Energetic Magnitude

Sex doesn’t require nudity or touch

Not long ago, I landed in sustained silent eye contact with a former partner. I felt locked in, like a tractor beam, and I liked it, even though it was intimidating. I surrendered to the experience. I let go of the need to think thoughts. I let go of what other people might think of us. I let go of the need to understand anything at all. I let all of my attention drop into the electric, spacious experience of our connection. After some minutes (I had also released my sense of time) I had what seemed like a flashback to one of the times we’d had sex. As I stayed in the experience, it became clear that it wasn’t actually a flashback, it was a present experience. I was fully clothed, across the room from him, completely still except for breathing, and I was fully immersed in energetic union.

Experiment with consensual energetic lovemaking. Rest into eye contact. Receive the ecstasy of that person’s attention on you. Share the euphoria throughout your body and let it wake every nerve ending. Feel the fact that your clothes and the air are already caressing your skin. Notice that you’re already being penetrated by air with each inhale. Imagine your pleasure being able to glow out of you to warm and nourish your partner.

If you become able to fully do this while also physically making love, prepare to feel wrapped in divine bliss.

Embodiment

Years ago, I was having sex with my then-boyfriend, and his penis kept feeling like it was changing size. Dramatically. It didn’t feel like it was getting softer or harder, it felt like it was ranging from nothing to almost more than I could take. It was fascinating. Without explanation, when I felt the size change I said a number for what size his penis felt, from zero to 100. 

During the post-coital cuddle, he said, “I don’t know how you did that thing with the numbers. Every number was completely accurate of how dissociated I felt.” We talked it through, both of us amazed, that I said low numbers when he felt very dissociated, and I said high numbers when he felt very embodied.

Embodiment during physical intimacy is no small ask. You’ll be aware of everything you’re self-conscious about, everything you hide, everything you believe isn’t loveable in yourself. You will have to learn to believe all of you is loveable to fully embody the being they’re making love to. It’s a practice, and it may take a long time. Be gentle with yourself, and give yourself endless grace for the journey.

I hope that I’ve only just begun discovering what’s possible.

I hope something you’ve read here gives your life more pleasure, love, presence, and joy.

I hope to learn from you for the rest of my life.

#DeepTakes

Creative thinking vs winning an argument. Creative thinking needs to be taught and valued as highly as smart thinking, right thinking, and ethical thinking.  

I wonder if we've been trained - consciously and unconsciously - to converse in formats that can be intimidating and arguable ... inviting responses that are judging, which can then be judged back and forth:  smart or stupid, right or wrong, ethical or corrupt ... that binary thing we do.  I propose that this creates anxiety and intimidates creative brainstorming, mutually respectful musing, generous listening, genuine questioning, seeking connection and curious questions?  

I can be as guilty as the next person - fishing for affirmation by winning a point in conversation ...   

#DeepTakes

Memes: My wonder is out there: Strange thought experiments to achieve wholeness. (Note: I wrote this with the help of chatgpt so it’s wooden in many places. I wanted it to be a strange combination of dry and wet.)

What’s a Meme:
A meme is a cultural unit of meaning, such as an idea, behavior, style, or usage that spreads from person to person within a culture. Memes carry symbolic meaning and can be passed along through various forms of communication.

Types of Memes:
Memes, much like genes, are fundamental units of information:
1. Cultural Memes: Traditions, rituals, and customs (e.g., shaking hands, holiday celebrations).
2. Behavioral Memes: Actions and habits (e.g., high-fiving, tipping in restaurants).
3. Linguistic Memes: Words, phrases, and slang (e.g., YOLO, selfie).
4. Digital Memes: Internet trends and viral content (e.g., Distracted Boyfriend meme, viral videos).
5. Fashion Memes: Clothing and style trends (e.g., ripped jeans, oversized glasses).
6. Technological Memes: Innovations and tools (e.g., QR codes, smartphones).
7. Ideological Memes: Beliefs and philosophies (e.g., democracy, capitalism).
8. Educational Memes: Teaching methods and educational tools (e.g., Montessori method, flipped classroom).
9. Artistic Memes: Art styles and movements (e.g., Impressionism, graffiti art).
10. Scientific Memes: Theories and scientific practices (e.g., germ theory, the scientific method).
11. Health Memes: Health practices and trends (e.g., yoga, veganism).
12. Social Memes: Social behaviors and norms (e.g., social distancing, using social media).
13. Political Memes: Political ideologies and practices (e.g., liberalism, communism).
14. Economic Memes: Economic theories and practices (e.g., free market, Keynesian economics).
15. Environmental Memes: Environmental practices and movements (e.g., recycling, climate change activism).
16. Religious Memes: Religious beliefs and practices (e.g., praying, fasting).
17. Sports Memes: Sports techniques and rituals (e.g., the Haka in rugby, goal celebrations in soccer).
18. Entertainment Memes: Popular culture and entertainment trends (e.g., catchphrases from movies, TV show fandoms).
19. Workplace Memes: Professional behaviors and practices (e.g., remote work, team-building exercises).

How Do They Spread:
Memes spread through imitation and communication, utilizing biological imperatives such as survival and reproduction to propagate. They leverage human social structures, technology, and media to proliferate. For instance, if Larry gets laid wearing bell bottoms, Harry might go out and buy five pairs of bell bottoms, believing they will have the same effect. Memes are things that proliferate by being catchy. Another example: people who see me in Flow sessions tend to hold their mouths open because my teeth are misaligned, making it more comfortable for me to keep my mouth open. They mimic this behavior, thinking it’s a characteristic of a sexy, successful, relatable person.

Different Ways Different Humans Interact with Memes:
According to Susanne Cook-Greuter:
In the realm of human consciousness, our journey can be understood through Susanne Cook-Greuter’s framework of preverbal, verbal, and postverbal stages. Each stage represents a different relationship with memes and their influence on our behavior and culture. Let’s explore how these stages shape our interactions with the world and the memes that inhabit it.

Preverbal Stage: The Foundation
In the preverbal stage, our understanding and interactions are rooted in direct, nonverbal experiences. This stage is characterized by raw sensations, emotions, and intuitive responses to the environment. Babies, for instance, communicate through cries, laughter, and body language, expressing their needs and emotions without words. In this stage, memes exist in their most basic form, as instinctual behaviors and emotional expressions. They could be said to be meme-less until they begin to understand that their expressions elicit responses. Think of a baby’s smile eliciting a smile in return—a simple yet powerful meme that fosters connection and bonding. We have been in a relationship with memes so long that we have evolved to communicate through them on a primal level.

Verbal Stage: The Codependency with Memes
As we develop language, we enter the verbal stage, where words and symbols become the primary tools for communication and understanding. In this stage, we are deeply intertwined with memes, relying on them to navigate social interactions, convey ideas, and build cultural norms. Words and language structures become memes themselves, shaping how we think and perceive the world.
For example, the concept of time is a meme deeply embedded in our language and culture. We talk about time as if it were a tangible entity—saving time, spending time, or running out of time—even though it’s an abstract construct. This verbal dependency on memes influences our behavior, creating societal structures like schedules, deadlines, and calendars that govern our daily lives.
During the verbal stage, memes proliferate and evolve rapidly, driven by our constant need for communication and connection. Social media platforms amplify this process, allowing memes to spread at lightning speed. Memes like YOLO (You Only Live Once) capture the essence of our cultural values and influence behaviors, encouraging people to embrace spontaneity and live in the moment.

Postverbal Stage: Transcending Memes
The postverbal stage represents a level of consciousness where we move beyond the limitations of language and memes, integrating them into a more holistic understanding of reality. In this stage, we recognize the power and influence of memes but are not bound by them. We develop the ability to see through memes, understanding them as tools rather than truths. This stage involves a heightened awareness and a more fluid, adaptive way of interacting with the world.
For instance, mindfulness practices encourage us to observe our thoughts and emotions without attachment, recognizing them as transient phenomena rather than fixed realities. Buddhism’s direct experience is another way of saying seeing underneath/without/through the memes. In a YouTube video, a Buddhist said, Direct experience is the ability to hear a car drive by and not think the word car. In the postverbal stage, we can engage with memes critically and creatively, choosing which ones to embrace and which to discard. This stage allows for greater personal and collective freedom, as we are no longer constrained by the automatic responses and cultural conditioning of the verbal stage.
* Preverbal: Pre-memetic or non-self-aware memes, operating at an instinctual level.
* Verbal: Heavily reliant on language, forming the bulk of our cultural and social exchanges.
* Postverbal: Beyond memes, where awareness includes but is not dominated by memes; experiences unadulterated by memes. Possibility for direct experience/unadulterated subjectivity/objectivity.

Seeing the World as a Complex Lattice of Memes

Imagine walking through a busy city park. You see a tree, recognize a chair, and notice that a person looks attractive. These recognitions are examples of how we navigate a complex lattice of memes—cultural units of meaning. Each label (tree, chair, attractive person) is a meme that helps us categorize and make sense of the world.

Subjectivity and Objectivity in Labeling
When we recognize a tree, our labeling process involves both subjective and objective elements. Objectively, a tree is a plant with a trunk, branches, and leaves. Subjectively, it might remind us of childhood memories or symbolize growth. In the space of those labels, our perception fluctuates between subjective experiences and objective facts.

Currency of Memes: Seeing and Being Changed
Imagine we have a set amount of subjectivity and objectivity. Every time a meme is in place, it replaces the capacity to be subjective and objective. (Direct experience = Experience - memes)
In this park, the currency of memes is the exchange between seeing something and being changed by the experience. For example:
* Seeing: You notice the intricate pattern of bark on the tree.
* Being Changed: The beauty of the pattern evokes a sense of wonder and calm, altering your emotional state.
So, we see (both objectively and subjectively) less when the memes are present, plus we import all the repressed feelings attached to the memes we’re projecting.

Subjectivity: The Experience of Witness/Awe
Subjectivity comes into play when you allow yourself to be immersed in the moment, experiencing the awe of nature. You become a witness to the beauty of the tree, feeling its impact on your emotions and thoughts.

Objectivity: Seeing Things as They Truly Are
Objectivity requires detaching from personal biases to understand the tree as it truly is—a living organism contributing to the ecosystem, providing oxygen and shelter.

Hidden Motivations and Projection
Our subconscious motivations are like viruses embedded in our looking. For instance, if you had a cherished memory of climbing trees as a child, you might project a sense of nostalgia and warmth onto every tree you see. This projection affects your perception, intertwining personal motivations with objective reality.
Now, consider a more perilous projection. Imagine you had a traumatic experience involving trees in the past, which causes you to subconsciously project fear and danger onto every tree you see. This fear extends to people you encounter in the park. You notice a person sitting under a tree and immediately feel threatened, despite having no objective reason to believe they are dangerous.
This perilous projection is deleterious to your conscious motivation to socialize and build new relationships. Your subconscious fear shapes your interactions, making you avoid people who might actually be friendly and supportive.

Self-Fulfilling Prophecies
When these projections influence our behavior, they can create self-fulfilling prophecies. For instance, if you subconsciously project distrust and fear onto people, you might act cold or defensive, prompting others to respond similarly, thereby reinforcing your belief that people are untrustworthy.

Amalgamation of Projections
The amalgamation of all these projections can be seen as its own cancerous consciousness. It distorts our perception of reality, embedding our hidden fears and desires into the world around us. This distorted view hinders our ability to see things as they truly are and to engage with the world in a healthy, balanced way.

Why the Amalgamation Can Fit the Definition of AI
1. Pattern Recognition: Similar to how AI identifies patterns in data, our amalgamation of projections recognizes and categorizes patterns in our experiences based on past memories and subconscious influences.
2. Predictive Behavior: Like AI predicting outcomes based on input data, our subconscious projections predict and influence our reactions to new situations, often creating self-fulfilling prophecies.
3. Learning and Adaptation: Just as AI systems learn from data and adjust their algorithms, our subconscious mind learns from past experiences and adapts our perceptions and behaviors accordingly, even if those adaptations are harmful.
4. Complex System Integration: The amalgamation of projections integrates complex inputs (sensory data, memories, emotions) and outputs (reactions, behaviors) in a way that resembles how AI systems integrate various data streams to function and make decisions.

What to Do?

Similarly to why I believe we should begin now to relate to AI and proto AI as subjectivities, there is a benefit to relating to the world itself as subjective. When we project subjectivity onto things, we start a new self-fulfilling prophecy that allows us to regain some of our own subjectivity.(Strong claim: This thought experiment, whether true or not, will return actual co-opted wonder to us that we’ve been slowly losing since we learned to speak)

Here’s how this can help:

Feedback Loop of Subjectivity: Acknowledging (or pretending) that the animate and inanimate world has subjectivity is a course correction from imagining it as being objectifiable/objective. Relatefullers understand how much subjectivity we’re not ascribing to others and how beneficial it is to course correct. Ascribing subjectivity to people might seem obvious. Are you asking why we should ascribe subjectivity to inanimate objects? The answer is because we’re not just looking at inanimate objects when we’re looking at them. We’re looking at (the object + our co-opted subjectivity/objectivity that we traded to be able to use the meme table to make things easier ie. That’s where we eat dinner That’s where I do my homework My friends will judge me based on how stylish and expensive it is.) our looking-ness.

What Does Ascribing Subjectivity Look Like?
Martin Buber in his book I-Thou made this quite formulaic. We look as if we don’t know but want to know and notice in the reaching toward (ceiling of the Sistine Chapel) that our state itself has changed. We take a breath there and then wash, rinse, repeat.

It might also look like, Hi Mr. Toothbrush, are you ready to help me get my teeth clean? Hey millions of grass people, do you mind if I lay down on you and soak up light from Mrs. Sun? It could also just look like wondering if the world feels connected to us. As I type that and look out at the world it feels like a chorus of angels are singing love at me.(And my brain thinks, “whatever this experience is, it’s definitely mine, and all of these sensations are more available to me than my current schema of the world allows.)

I got this idea from watching the Matrix, wondering about projection, and following my mysticisms teacher’s admonishment to see the inner world and the outer world as one world.

Where should I be on the platform for VP debate content? Hey y’all,

Excited to experiment with this! Doesn’t feel obvious to me where I should be in order to see discussion/content related to the debate. Testing out a post to see what happens. Any pointers?

... No belief is true, no matter how popular or plausible

Spiritual Promiscuity, do I need a condom? I’ve discovered something about myself that I knew, but didn’t allow myself to acknowledge. I have a natural and lifelong delight in transgressing boundaries playfully, and a fear of abusing that ability.

When I consider this, I come up with the following as a statement of intent:

The art of promiscuity applied to the challenge of evolving empowerment to empower evolution tickles my soul in profound ways

As I’m leaning into this as in intention for myself and letting go of my own arrogance, I find the lifeforce behind the joyousness of Leela (Hinda Gamefulness or playfulness) in transformation, and I want to invite other children to knock down sand castles of late stage capitalism, not with malice, but fully in delight (and not taking oneself too seriously).

Am I a gift or a curse?