self-expression

I don’t know if I am doing this right. . I had the urge in my car to start singing an improvised song (inspired by my relateful camp experience at Annabeth’s Vocal Flow and Kedar’s bonfire jam) and it was in that exploration that I had the epiphany that I am allowed to write bad poems! This really excites me and now I’ve started to write a bunch of things that I feel poetic about. The permission to be bad has been crucial in my permission to try, and now I am wanting to maintain my permission to be bad and try in front of others. 

I haven’t posted on UpTrust because I question whether or not I am really “trustable” on any topic. I don’t feel qualified, or justified, or certifiably “trustable”, apart from maybe my honest attempts at honesty. But my honesty =/= truth. I could speak honestly about what I think a Beef Wellington is and still be wrong.  

But I can write bad poems, and I can be wrong, AND I can do that publicly. And in doing it publicly, maybe my poems become better and my honesty becomes truer. 

Hey what's up uppies I'm just here uptrusting at the best time of the week, Friday night! I'm here to share my most popular blog post from February when I wrote a blog post every day. Here it is!

musings on god

As someone interested in sharing ideas and perspective and frameworks about living well, it feels right to share my relationship with God, who might be described as the ultimate mental model. I’m shaking my hands and doing vocal exercises over here because I don’t want to cling to a desire to find perfect phrases or descriptions, good is good. I’m also letting go of a desire for you to receive these words any particular way. In a sense, this one is a dialogue between me and God, and you are also in the room with us, listening.

I’m quite cerebral, thinky, logical, and this extends to my conceptions of God. A Christian evangelical friend has pointed out this trait of mine during a few conversations we’ve had. God, as a concept, is Big. Infinite, even. I’d really love some ironclad proof towards His existence if I am to priortize Him in the long arc of my life.

As a kid, I had a conversation with my youth pastor about what I saw as the pros and cons of being a Christian. I told him that I didn’t particularly care about reading the Bible or going to church or doing good works, but heaven sounds pretty great. The pastor assured me that I can indeed go to heaven just by accepting Jesus into my heart, and so I did that with his guidance right then and there in the Panera Bread. We drove to a bookstore and he bought me a Bible, and then he drove me home and relayed the good news to my parents.

A few weeks later the burden of proof became burdensome to my discerning mind, and I revoked my membership as a Christian.

Skip ahead to recent years where I have lived in Austin, Texas, a testament to the profound influence of my environment on who I am. A flurry of connections, events, retreats, and self-study have led me to enjoy the existence of God*. That’s God with an asterisk because it’s the spiritual-but-not-religious God, the God who would never send anyone to hell, the God who just wants us to enjoy our lives, man. It’s a big tent God and we’re all welcome inside because the proof is like water to humanity’s school of fish. The sun on my face and this latte’s great taste and all of life’s little abundances are proof of God, full stop.

So now we come to the ultimate question without an answer. Everyone has their take on God and religion and faith and heaven and hell, and my relationship with God is up to me, no pressure. It’s my responsibility to sift through the incense and the nonsense to have a relationship with God that makes sense? feels right? is resonsant? with who I am.

Of course I am sympathetic to the conceptions of God that do not ask me to fundamentally change as a person, that do not ask me to jump through a collection of seemingly arbitrary hoops, but God knows that about me! Obviously! And this might be the trick of a God in my life, a lovely sort of paradox, one that I have noticed also holds true for human relationships.

To elaborate: when you need something from someone, they resist giving it to you. When you don’t need anything from anyone, people give stuff to you. The God-as-I-currently-conceive-of-Him doesn’t really ask me for anything, and so I talk with Him and I express gratitude towards Him and I meditate on Him and I do my best to live a life of service that is authentic to who I am as a person, a person uniquely crafted by God, as all people are.

Again, this is all Quite Convenient for me, I don’t want to downplay that facet of my current relationship with God. A me from some time ago who was more prone to paranoia and self-doubt might have feared that this is all a trick of the devil who has succeeded in nudging me away from accepting specifically Jesus into my heart or having a specifically Christian faith. That fear is vanishingly small now but it persists, anything is possible.

I admit to a sort of hubris in all of my attempts to apply my human logic to God. God is beyond, more than, infinite. Life often only makes sense looking backwards. God knows that I view the general positive trajectory of my life over the past years as His tacit approval of the evolution of my relationship with Him. I enjoy my relationship with this God of mine informed by vibes and the Tao Te Ching and the spirituality of people who I admire, and I’m open to this relationship shifting radically, instantly, profoundly. It’s an ongoing conversation, perhaps the most fulfilling, enjoyable, and comforting conversation that I am so fortunate to have. Amen!

You’re doing sex wrong: What I wish everyone knew about the emotional presence, physical skill, and energetic magnitude of blissful, fulfilling sex. Emotional Presence

Orgasm is a paltry goal

Orgasms aren’t always a clear yes-or-no thing for me. There’s an ever-growing range of pleasurable experiences that I call “orgasm,” and the one I’m certain would be widely agreed upon as an orgasm is the least pleasurable one for me (it’s still very pleasurable, but it's last on my list.)

Here are some examples of wonderful aims to have in sex. None of these require orgasm; all of these could include orgasm as a delicious side-effect.

• Feeling more connected to each other

• Co-regulation

• Joy and play

• Exploration and discovery

• Prayer, awe, and communion with the divine

• Experiencing enjoyable sensations

• Embracing the present moment

• Basking in beauty

Sex as embodied emotions

Making love, sex, and fucking are three different things for me that are also able to coexist.

Making love is embodied emotions intertwining.

Sex is a physical act.

Fucking is carnal enactments of our animal beings.

All three (and any combination) are more wonderful, and more vulnerable, when everyone involved is present in their bodies and emotions. When I’m embodied during physical intimacy, I’m likely to cry, to admit I feel self-conscious or inadequate, to pursue repressed cravings, to discover I’m not who I thought I was, to feel overwhelmed with love, to feel helplessly swept away by sensation…

I was in my 30’s the first time I had intimacy where we were both fully embodied and emotionally present with each other. Since then, I’ve had basically no interest in sex that isn’t borne of emotions. 

Say your love

We’re used to saying “I love you,” and “Thank you for…” but it’s very rare for people to say their love.

It’s impossible to say why I love someone. The love itself seems to just happen, regardless of anything. But I can describe what loving them is like. And I can name things I love about them.

“When someone says you’re awesome, it feels like they’ve also just told me I’m awesome. They see what I see about you.”

“It feels like you celebrate me for exactly who I am, and that you’re already celebrating anything I will discover about myself.”

“I admire the responsibilities you choose to take on.”

It started with a dear friend. We’d hit a rough patch, and when we talked it through I learned that it’s incredibly helpful for her when I say what I love about her. I’d always noticed those things, so it was just a matter of remembering to say them out loud. 

It was like magic to our friendship, the bond turned from string to rope.

A few months later I added the practice into another very close friendship. It was instantaneously generative, I was blown away. That experience has been so rewarding that I didn’t even realize I was starting to do it with everyone. Unexpectedly, it has started to come back to me. I noticed because love started coming from different people than the ones I had been saying my love to, seemingly out of nowhere.

“I don’t know of anyone better at building community than you. The group wouldn’t be what it is without you.”

“You don’t seem to be doing personal growth from wanting to fix or change yourself at all. It feels so good to be around.”

It’s a beautiful practice because you consistently draw your attention to where your love connects to the words that come out of your mouth. It’s a beautiful practice because intimacy instantly increases when you say your love, even if they have trouble really taking it in, because you’re more in tune with why they matter to you and to your gratitude for having them in your life.

Physical Skill

Your body

Integrate your body sensations.

The next time you’re massaging a sore muscle, notice whether you feel an invisible boundary when your hand goes near where massage therapists don’t go. Try expanding that boundary line while keeping the intention of massage instead of shifting to foreplay or masturbation.

The next time you’re experiencing sexual pleasure, notice whether you keep the sensations of pleasure confined to certain areas of your body. Try using your breath and your attention to share the pleasure with your whole body, your whole self.

Lips and kissing

Kissing is, for me, one of the most deeply intimate interactions of all. My lips are very sensitive, and to meet someone else’s lips feels like an electrical connection straight to our essences.

Where is your attention when you kiss? Maybe it’s mental, an expression of care. Maybe it’s habitual, a ritual of attachment. Maybe it’s goal-oriented, a first step toward sex. 

Next time, before you kiss, feel your lips. Let the nerve endings come alive and start to tingle. Feel the sensations of smiling, of your lips touching each other, of your tongue wetting your lips and the air brushing the wetness. Approach your partner’s lips slowly, and sense the excitement of increasing closeness building in your chest. Pause before your lips are touching, and swim in your longing. Imagine how their lips will feel to your sensitized skin. Kiss from discovery, your lips finding theirs. Explore sensations. Feel your turn-on.

When I do this with a partner who is compatibly oriented, my body responds intensely. I have uncontrollable contractions. This is one of the sensations I choose to call orgasm, and this one is very high on my pleasure list.

The cervix

Women hold tension in their cervix. The cervix can be as soft and supple as a cloud, or as hard as a rock, and everywhere in-between. When there is a lot of tension in the cervix, no amount of foreplay will calm her enough for her to be able to feel her own turn-on, and penetration will be painful. Imagine the fiercest muscle knot you’ve ever had, then imagine someone banging repeatedly on that muscle knot with a hammer. It’s just like that.

The tension in the cervix can be released with tender, patient, attuned cervical massage. She may have a lifetime’s worth of pain and anxiety held there. Be prepared for her to cry. A lot. Be prepared to stop and hold her while she sobs. Be prepared for this practice to be something you have to return to over and over for weeks or months. The benefits of cervical massage can be out of this world. 

When my cervix is soft, it’s impossible to remember what want or resentment feel like. When my cervix is soft, it’s easy to feel turn-on, joy, forgiveness, and bliss.

The penis

Imagine orienting to sex from the perspective of an emotional and energetic experience instead of from the perspective of a physical act. Concepts of size or hardness don’t make sense from this perspective.

It’s common in tantra to call the penis the “wand of light.” The power isn’t based on the shape or density of the wand, the power is in the intensity and clarity of the light.

When I feel love for him and our connection is well-tended, his penis feels amazing, even if it’s an uncommon shape. When I trust him and feel safe to release any vigilance, his penis feels amazing, even if it’s small. When his heart is penetrating mine through his eyes, his penis feels amazing, even if it’s soft. When he is fully embodied in himself and is rooted in experiencing his pleasure with me, his penis feels amazing, even if it’s not inside me.

Energetic Magnitude

Sex doesn’t require nudity or touch

Not long ago, I landed in sustained silent eye contact with a former partner. I felt locked in, like a tractor beam, and I liked it, even though it was intimidating. I surrendered to the experience. I let go of the need to think thoughts. I let go of what other people might think of us. I let go of the need to understand anything at all. I let all of my attention drop into the electric, spacious experience of our connection. After some minutes (I had also released my sense of time) I had what seemed like a flashback to one of the times we’d had sex. As I stayed in the experience, it became clear that it wasn’t actually a flashback, it was a present experience. I was fully clothed, across the room from him, completely still except for breathing, and I was fully immersed in energetic union.

Experiment with consensual energetic lovemaking. Rest into eye contact. Receive the ecstasy of that person’s attention on you. Share the euphoria throughout your body and let it wake every nerve ending. Feel the fact that your clothes and the air are already caressing your skin. Notice that you’re already being penetrated by air with each inhale. Imagine your pleasure being able to glow out of you to warm and nourish your partner.

If you become able to fully do this while also physically making love, prepare to feel wrapped in divine bliss.

Embodiment

Years ago, I was having sex with my then-boyfriend, and his penis kept feeling like it was changing size. Dramatically. It didn’t feel like it was getting softer or harder, it felt like it was ranging from nothing to almost more than I could take. It was fascinating. Without explanation, when I felt the size change I said a number for what size his penis felt, from zero to 100. 

During the post-coital cuddle, he said, “I don’t know how you did that thing with the numbers. Every number was completely accurate of how dissociated I felt.” We talked it through, both of us amazed, that I said low numbers when he felt very dissociated, and I said high numbers when he felt very embodied.

Embodiment during physical intimacy is no small ask. You’ll be aware of everything you’re self-conscious about, everything you hide, everything you believe isn’t loveable in yourself. You will have to learn to believe all of you is loveable to fully embody the being they’re making love to. It’s a practice, and it may take a long time. Be gentle with yourself, and give yourself endless grace for the journey.

I hope that I’ve only just begun discovering what’s possible.

I hope something you’ve read here gives your life more pleasure, love, presence, and joy.

I hope to learn from you for the rest of my life.

#DeepTakes

Am I hiding? I have mixed feeling on posting on this new social media platform UpTrust. I've never been much of a writer, or I've been afraid to share myself. I usually only post to entertain myself, in this way, my writing hasn't evolved to consider the other.

We don't always have to feel connected with ourselves first to connect with others. Sometimes, I find myself in connecting with the other. Waiting to feel a certain way to join others, like waiting to lose weight to start going to dances; or waiting to feel confident to make that call we dread; or waiting for "signs" to talk with your partner and tell them you've thinking about separating (you thinking about it IS the sign to have the talk). I've seen in others` eyes the love that I have not had for myself in certain moments...the acceptance, the compassion, the understanding I can't sometimes reach on my own. What's stopping you, sometimes, to be felt and seen as you are?#DeepTakes

The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire, probably via use of the word "optics" ;) . I've been reading the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire (abridged*, of course, at least to start with!). New to the topic, and I’ve never identified as a history buff, but I’m really loving it. I wanted to write a short post about it, but couldn’t quickly figure out how to say what I wanted briefly, so here’s a long one!

It feels like a bird's-eye view of modern politics, in many ways, but especially regarding "The American Experiment." I'm sure this comparison isn't new--it's probably a huge part of what makes Decline and Fall popular today, despite being published in 1776. Since there's a whole trope about Rome buffs, I imagine many of you have hashed over all this a ton previously.

The early part of Decline and Fall starts with how amazing Rome was. Of course, it built on other civilizations and governments that came before it, but I think we these days have a hard time imagining just how surprisingly modern it would seem to us, if we were transplanted to the Roman Empire in its heyday. Of course we have tons of hard tech they didn't. But on the social level, I think a lot of it would feel spookily familiar. (I’m sure the author and I are both missing or leaving out huge ways it’s different. But I think there’s still a lot we can learn from it.)

Widespread assumption of and dedication to: rule of law, trial by peers, market-based economy. And somehow the start of the Roman Empire manifested a deep dedication among citizens and leaders to a Republic as the form of government. No nepotism, no monarchy, no might makes right. Government of the people, by the people, for the people, at least in spirit--my sense is people and government and military were all aligned in their dedication to that spirit. 

And peace! Peace, for centuries, throughout a huge swath of the known world, where that hadn’t happened before. There was a kind of national religion they inherited from the Greeks, but they seem to have been even more dedicated to religious tolerance than to their religion (prior to Constantine and the Christians taking over). Sure, there was kind of constant fighting on the edges of the empire, including always against the pesky Gauls and German barbarians, who really hated the idea of being part of the big empire. But mostly, and especially compared to times before in much of Europe, you could live safe in your home with your family, for generations even, protected by law-abiding and law-enforcing local authorities, backed up by the Roman army when needed, truly answerable to the people through the representation of the Senate, such as it was, and it was pretty great as far as I can tell. 

Now, the bird's-eye view of the modern USA comes in when, generation after generation, leader after leader, eventually monarch after monarch, the common-knowledge shared dedication to being a Republic and to all the ideas above, faded over time. First, one or two leaders came along who had enough sway over the army and enough popularity with the people that they were able to, against the grain of all Republic dedication, declare themselves effective leaders of the empire. First humbly, as first-among-many. Then with time, openly and pompously. Then with more time, it became obvious to everyone that the Republic was only a Republic in name, that it was just obviously "the way things worked" that the army effectively got to decide who became emperor, and that as soon as the army switched loyalties, you'd better be ready for a change, including probably a bunch of people getting killed for being on the wrong side. 

The thing about Decline and Fall, wrt this kind of degradation, is you get to read real human stories of this happening, again, and again, and again, and again. The same patterns, the different humans with unique circumstances playing them out. 

Why did the dedication to the original ideals degrade with time? I think the same natural processes, and lack of opposing processes, have led the US and myriad other democracies down similar paths over time. People and groups learn to subvert the system to get more of what they want in the short term, sacrificing the common-knowledge dedications and ideals that support the good things they have in the world. They pay less attention to the whole than is needed to maintain it. 

I'll name what I see today as one instance of roughly this kind of degradation, and I hope it's a little spicy. I have been part of many, many conversations in organizations where, when discussing some strategic question for the organization, the word "optics" comes up. For the uninitiated, the word "optics" in this context means: people could see what we're doing and have interpretations of it. We don't want those interpretations to have bad consequences for us. So let's be sure to include in our strategizing some component of consideration for trying to get people's impressions (the public, journalists, stakeholders, or etc) to be at least neutral. I can understand that. But I want to live in a world where we're creating the whole we want, not mostly attempting to persuade or convince or if nothing else not be noticed by parts of society that IMO we ought to relate to as peers. If we all practice distrusting our peers' sense-making processes in this way of strategizing about "optics", we'll all end up with a society with worse and less sense-making. So what do I want instead? I want us to take actions with integrity. Yes to being aware of our reputation (individually, organizationally, etc) and acting with integrity.

(*The abridged version I landed on, after some back and forth about versions with Claude, is the Womersly version. I love it. You get 100-200 pages of the above, which was just right for this first-timer.)

#DeepTakes

Sharing controversial take can actually lead to a better world. Most of social media today rewards bold claims—but not the process of refining them. The more you double down, the more attention you get.

But I want a world where people can share strong opinions  in order to refine them, not just defend them. Relationships—online or in person—should shape our beliefs, not just reinforce them.

Dialogue shouldn't be just about making a point but instead being open to updating our views.

Updating can look many ways, including being even more sure about our perspective. 

So, for some of you, my "hot take" is that you should risk sharing the scary thing. For others, my "hot take" is that you should risk having your views updated after you've shared them. 

Which camp are you in?

#DeepTakes

Dates with an uber-green guy... Tonight is my second date with a guy who’s the head of Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion for the Austin school district. I enjoy him a lot, but EVERYTHING is identity for him. I brought up integral theory on our first date and he’s super interested. But I find myself surprisingly awkward feeling like I need to side-step all the sacred cows of his worldview. But so far anytime I’ve pushed back on it he has lit up, so maybe I can just chill the eff out.

It's too intimidating for men to be men. Alright, here’s one of my most controversial opinions, and I’m gonna try to take the filter off as much as possible:

Feminism has played out as retribution instead of solution. The Barbie movie is an entirely thorough example of what I’m talking about. You suppressed us, so we’re gonna use any means necessary to take over. And then they recreated the same imbalance in its opposite.

I see most social movements do this too. True solutions to imbalances aren’t fair because they don’t have human-enacted payback. You suppressed us, so we’re going to move toward balance.

I’ve been spending about 2 years trying to set aside my learned default into my masculine energy (having grown up in highly feminist orange/green) and learn how to root in my feminine. But my feminine longs for a tether to something rooted. Masculine energy feels rooted, solid, grounded, and my feminine very much doesn’t (though it is held by a spacious ok-ness, but it’s so airy it easily gets chaotic when not balanced in connection with a grounded masculine.)

But I’ve had a hell of a time finding grounded healthy masculine men. Many of them can do it for a time, but then flee to an extreme, like angry resentment at one end and non-binary softness at the other end. And I think it’s because the culture has become super aggressive to men who are solidly men.