My personal experiences with addiction have been painful and complicated. My mother, who is now deceased, was a pedophile. Later in life, my husband struggled with video game addiction, though he eventually recovered. Well, I struggled more than he did! These situations were not as intense as what someone might experience with a partner addicted to narcotics, but they were still profoundly disruptive. Addiction rarely appears in isolation; it comes from somewhere, and it affects every corner of daily life. It isn’t a matter of “normal days with occasional trouble.” Life becomes consistently difficult in many different ways.

Can you force someone to get well? No. A person will not get better until they choose it. However, when certain lines are crossed, the people enabling the situation can sometimes change the environment. In some cases, removing access or placing the person in a structured “camp‑like” setting can help—but only if the individual is ready to engage with the process. Ultimately, recovery is an internal decision.

What is wellness, and who decides? This is an important question. Does the person live alone, or with others? Are their relationships being disrupted? Are the people around them able to thrive, or has everything become centered around the addict’s needs and crises? These are the kinds of questions that require careful study and honest reflection. In my own past, when I lived with active addicts, I often said everything was “fine” because that was how I coped. Sometimes enablers don’t know what thriving looks like—they just keep going because they feel they have no other choice.

How do we determine addiction? Thoughtful questions can help reveal patterns:

• Has the person tried to cut back but found it impossible?
• Do they feel unable to get through a day—or even an hour—without it?
• Do they make rules about their behavior and then break them?
• Do they think about it constantly when not engaged in it?
• Has the need increased over time?
• Does the idea of stopping create anxiety, irritability, or fear?
• Has it interfered with sleep, work, relationships, or responsibilities?
• Have others expressed concern?
• Do they avoid work or obligations to engage in the behavior?
• Do they hide it from others?

What do families owe addicts, and what do addicts owe their families? For children, parents must provide structure, respect, responsibility, and accountability—ideally creating a path toward becoming a healthy, capable adult. If parents cannot do that alone, they should seek help.

For adults, the situation is different. Often, the most effective catalyst for change is a “rock bottom” moment. Addicts tend to manipulate and lie as long as someone is willing to absorb the impact. Sometimes the most loving thing is also the hardest: withdrawing support. I had to ask my own adult child to leave when addiction began to take hold. It was a difficult couple of years, but he eventually figured things out. He still owes me money, but he regrets his past choices, and he respects me now because I held the line when he became abusive. If I had continued giving him money, the situation would have spiraled, and he might not be alive today. Entitlement—on anyone’s part—is the enemy of growth.

If a model works for some and harms others, how should we choose? We choose what fits the situation. A narcotics addict needs a very different approach than a video game addict. Pedophiles require an entirely separate category of intervention. There is no universal model.

AA, for example, has helped many people, but it has limitations. I’ve been told that AA often treats the alcoholic as a hero for every day they don’t drink, while those who were harmed are expected to “deal with their feelings” quietly. If that approach keeps someone sober, that’s valuable. But I also believe the alcoholic should take responsibility for repairing the damage they caused. Sobriety alone doesn’t erase the past. To be fair, this perspective came from an alcoholic, so my understanding may not be complete.

Thanks for raising these thoughtful questions and opening space for this discussion.