I recently realize that I am not comfortable out in nature. In a way, I have always known this. My whole life I have preferred being indoors. Air conditioning. Heating. Comfort. Predictability.
As a child, I preferred swimming pools over the ocean or rivers. And whenever I did spend time in nature, it was usually some sort of hybrid experience. What I mean is this: yes, I was technically outside, but comfort was never far away. The house, the car, the restaurant, the parking lot, some human-made refuge was not more than 50m away.
Picture a beautiful lake with a parking lot right next to it. A beach where the car is only a short walk away. A garden behind a house. That was my relationship with nature.
I have been camping exactly two times in my life. My verdict? Abso-fucking-lutely never again.
When I am out in nature, I feel exposed. The possibilities of something going wrong seem infinitely higher than when I am indoors. Think about it: Out in nature, the chances of getting bitten by a critter are higher. The chances of stepping on something sharp are higher. The chances of being too hot, too cold, too thirsty are higher. There are plants that sting. There are insects that bite. There are countless variables outside my control.
What I have come to realize now is that: Yeah! That is nature! And she is not only that, she is also incredibly beautiful and the few moments that I could let my fear of uncertainty go away, nature calms my body, clears my head, it is almost like the ground takes any heavy energy I have, creating space in me for something new… So, what is the problem?... if there is any?
Well that I am a city baby… 😊
Some months ago, I joined a beautiful close group called Developmental Flow through the Relateful Company, every week we explored a different stage of human development. One week was pre-birth and womb life, the next focused on ages zero to three, then ages four to eleven. And so on, all the way to death.
But the part that matters for this story happened during the weeks dedicated to childhood (0-11 years old) There were nine people in the group. One by one, they began sharing stories about their early years.
Stories of farms, of houses with land, of being outside from morning until evening, of being raised not only by parents, but by Mother Nature herself. They spoke about grass, flowers, dirt, rain, trees, about being in constant relationship with the land.
And as I listened, I noticed something surprising, not once did anyone mention discomfort, not once! what about the bugs, the mud, the heat, the cold, none of it seemed important.
For them, the discomfort was not even a thing worth mentioning. I imagine it as, loving your mom so much even if she has a temper, something like “my mom is great and her temper is part of her, we are all human” (of course there is a limit for everything, but I hope that you know what I mean). So, I believe that having the opportunity to be acquainted with mother nature since an early age is like that… in time, the little discomforts and risks of being outside are not a thing anymore, your nervous system is trained, wired and used to it, so you can easily go outside, enjoy and connect with nature without giving a thought to the possibility of discomfort… in fact, you prepare and bring a first-aid kit, plenty of water and a hat.
… Back to the Developmental Flow session: the lovely people from my group started to share and describe their early years of life and how it was deeply linked to nature, how they were outside and how nature might have even saved their lives (maybe from chaos at their human homes).
I sat there, listening and feeling in my body the reverberations of their voices, I remember being confused, not understanding what that knot in my stomach was, why my heart was tight and heavy. Time passed, more lovely people shared about how nature made them feel, and I was there… having memories of... CONCRETE??!!... really?
Dirty streets, of the sounds of the cars and the noise of hundreds of people mobilizing (crowds of people have a distinct sound, have you notice?).
I could not relate!! That was the knot on my stomach!!… how I cannot relate to nature??... I got dizzy, I was shocked by how hard that realization hit me. I never really questioned the city aspect of my childhood, not once.
And there I was, grieving something I had never thought about before, yet feeling it as something so deep and fundamental within me. It felt as though I had been missing something my entire life without ever knowing it was missing. How could I not relate to nature? How could something so essential to so many people feel so foreign to me?
And then came the shame...
I could not speak… after long minutes and when the rest of my companions shared, I said: “I feel unsafe here, I do not know if I belong… I can´t relate. I am a city baby, I do not know nature like you do, I cannot play here” The moment those words left my mouth, I knew they were coming from a very young part in me…
After I shared that, tears poured out of me like a river of grief that I did not know I carried. The discomforts my nervous system learned to cope with are the discomforts of CITY life: the noise, the crowds, the traffic, the concrete, that was my wilderness.
And the alertness I feel in nature is because she somehow feels foreign to me, and that keeps me from fully connecting with her.
[Pause for breathing]...
This realization hit me like a truck, and, at the same time, it felt like a gift. Nature has been calling me my entire life; I just didn't know her voice. Now I can at least hear it.
And honestly? I will call that a success if you ask me...
and…
no, I still don't spend more than a couple of hours outside,
no, I still don't walk barefoot for more than a few minutes and
no, I still can't fully relax in the middle of nowhere.
And you know what? That's okay.
I believe that Nature loves me anyway. She loves me in the moments I can receive her and in the moments I cannot.
This is such an unfamiliar territory to me, but there is one part of nature I do know:
The BEACH!
I do know how to beach :D I grew up in a beach city. The uncertainties of the beach feel familiar to me in a way that forests and mountains do not... Maybe I can start from beach and upgrade to rivers... hehe xD
Anyways if you made it here, thank you so much from your valuable attention and time, I'd love to hear from you. Are you a city baby too? How do you relate to nature? And if you're a nature baby... How do you feel in cities?
Sending ✨✨ your way,
Jorlis