Yeah, another night. Another night I can't be by my wife's side, another night alone in my head, sick with worry, another night paying through the nose for a simple cold sandwich because they lock the food here at 6pm.
Its been a rough month for her. On the 19th of May my 39 year old wife had a stroke and threw her life into a tail spin fuled by a loss of feeling in her right side, confusion, and frightening thoughts of another stroke taking her in her sleep from our family and 4 kids.
She was so healthy, and full of life. Thankfully it was deep in her left side brain and affected sensory functions, some speech and left her with a heavy feeling on her right side. It didn't affect her total ability to walk, talk, think etc. Only minor issues that she has been fighting to conquer. She did forget passwords tho..
Sadly, three days ago she started feeling horrible pain with intense nausea and vomiting. I rushed her to the Emergency room in Kona, an hour from where we live which is our only closest option to discover that she had developed multiple gallstones. They suggested she remove her gallbladder, but because she is on blood thinners they would have to admit her for three days and remove her blood thinners so she could have the surgery.
To give you some context, we live on the Big island of Hawai'i at 4,600ft elevation on the slopes of mauna loa, offgrid in an old lava flow running on propane tanks, a generator, and a small one panel solar set up to run our water pump from our catchment tank. Our house was built for ocean views and it sits on 9ft posts with 13 steps to the top.
It is a lifestyle not for the faint of heart. It is hard, remote, and exhausting on a good day. It is not a life for everyone but it was for us because we love unique life experiences.
The recent events have made this decision something that I'm not sure is sustainable anymore. It is so far from any medical facilities. Over an hour to Kona and more than two hours from Hilo. It took so long, even driving as fast as I could push this 2016 suburban to go to get to Hilo on the only 2 lane highway on the island. Driving like hell, passing like I was on open road in Arizona.
Seconds count during a stroke, and we have hours to contend with. We spent the past year figuring out this new , crazy life. And now I dont think it is rational to continue. I'm so afraid of the topic of conversation because I don't want her to feel the hurt and self blaming I know she will be feeling If say anything, but I also can not live life without her. Kids grow and move on to build their own families, but she and I are forever.
Tomorrow, she has surgery. I too have had the same surgery and it wrecked my ability to eat anything without pain and almost instant painful bowel movements that she has watched me struggle with for years. I can't seem to ever get above 96 pounds and I know it scares her.
I am worried about her having to be sedated so soon after her stroke. I know I need to stay positive, and I do for her. But, I worry inside for the possibilities of another stroke during this surgery. She is such an amazing woman, and mother. I can't imagine the thoughts that she must be having in her head but showing me that strong fighter that she always shows the world.
It is just a hard time, on so many fronts. It would be easier if we had supportive family here, which is the reason we moved back to the island where I met her in 2018.
Unfortunately, its a thing here that if you are born and raised here and leave for a number of years you come back to a different vibe, almost like being shunned. It's built on jealousy and the knowledge that you now know more about the world then just what is needed to survive on this little island.
I've only ever seen or heard of it in the Amish community but it is very similar and man oh man does it hurt her deep. Even her mother runs this way. Over this last year, 3 visits to our house but only because she had to because my wife fought with her and said the things I've said here. But, the visit never lasts more than a half hour while she sits on her phone ignoring her grandkids and her own daughter. Like a child being forced to clean their room.
It has been a pretty hurtful move and my heart breaks for her everyday knowing they live just 10 min down the road. Even during these scary medical events. No care to visit, no care to come see her in the hospital and only "I'll try" when asked to visit the kids just for a "oh its 9pm, too late I'll try tomorrow"
I'm sure the stress she feels on a daily basis didn't help her stroke chances.
"Ohana means family" Sadly doesn't follow to every family unit here.
On the 26th of June we will have been married for 5 years. She keeps apologizing to me because she is going through these things right now and I tell her its not the dinner, the hotel, the celebration that I care about. I celebrate that you love me everyday. It's every moment I get to hold your hand that I care about and as long as I can do that I don't care where we are or what is going on. All I care about is you loving me, and me loving you, forever.
Well it's 11:11pm, and although this suburban looks real nice, and has great ac, the seat in the back is like sleeping on a cement floor. My 45 year old arthritic body is not responding well to it.
Not neglecting the exhaustion and pain she is going through in that 2nd floor room right now that I am not alowed to be in with her, I am also exhausted.
I ate a meal today from L&L. The first meal I've had in like 8 days. I am tired, sore, and freaking out just sitting in my truck trying not to let my mind run away with all the what-if's
-Justin