Sometimes I catch myself saying something like, “Oh if I miss the movie I’m going to be so mad.” Or “If I lose this opportunity I’m going to be so bummed."
Why would I prepare to be upset?
At some point I couldn’t handle the upset, and thought anticipating the feeling would help soften its intensity. But now I can metabolize feelings in the moment, so this just creates a default neural path to an unpreferred state. Rehearsal guarantees I experience it, sometimes twice. Defenses create what they’re designed to avoid.
So when I catch myself, sometimes I prepare another feeling, like “Oh, if I miss the movie I’m going to be… available to call a friend I haven’t talked to in a long time.” Sometimes I switch to how I feel in the moment. Sometimes I look for gratitude. And sometimes I keep it open ended: I want to be present to the experience as a story unfolding. Will the hero (me) make the same mistake he always does? Will he find a way to rise above, in the moment? Or is there a twist ending? I am usually surprised that whatever feeling I was rehearsing doesn’t actually happen. And I usually learn from whatever does.