Erotic energy is often not about sex

I think it is mostly an impulse to create something together. I don’t have a good model for the causal mechanism of how it works, but I think that attraction essentially hints at a specific potential between the two parties. Sex and “baby” is the creation-potential only a tiny fraction of the time.

Here are some of the many alternative creation-potentials, in no particular order. Would love to hear what else y’all notice, as this is not an attempt at an exhaustive list:

A project for you to create together
- as small as a party and as big as an organization
An emotional gift one of you has for the other
- eg: a piece of advice, sharing of life experience, an introduction to someone important
- Similarly, information share—eg: a mutual friend needs to be taken care of
A quality or characteristic for you to integrate/embody more: The classic projection of a “golden shadow”
- Eg: “She’s so strong” because I’m not claiming my strength, or “he’s so smart” because I’m not comfortable admitting my own intelligence
A psychodynamic transformation (aka "healing")
- Eg: you projecting your mom/dad stuff onto each other can be seen as a beautiful chance to make it conscious so you can be more present and available in all your relationships
A different kind of relationship: Ongoing friendship, mentorship, employment, or some other awesome/potent relationship
A chance to see what you’re avoiding in other relationships. This is the classic where someone cheats rather than deal with stuff at home.

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You meet someone new and feel that sudden frisson of erotic excitement. That’s a crush—must be romantic love, right? We’ve watched it happen so many times in ourselves, our community, our movies and books, that it’s almost taken for granted. But I think as soon as I point out the alternatives, they seem obvious too. I wonder if there are other media and cultural narratives to help support more awareness of the alternative? I feel like this would help people be more open to different kinds of love, different kinds of relationships, and suffer a lot less. I feel like this awareness has done so for me, at least.

Hat Tip to Ken Wilber, where I first heard of using the word “eros” as the creative impulse of the universe driving to more novelty.

Erotic energy is often not about sex

Here are some of the many alternative creation-potentials, in no particular order. Would love to hear what else y’all notice, as this is not an attempt at an exhaustive list:

A project for you to create together

as small as a party and as big as an organization

An emotional gift one of you has for the other

eg: a piece of advice, sharing of life experience, an introduction to someone important
Similarly, information share—eg: a mutual friend needs to be taken care of

A quality or characteristic for you to integrate/embody more: The classic projection of a “golden shadow”

Eg: “She’s so strong” because I’m not claiming my strength, or “he’s so smart” because I’m not comfortable admitting my own intelligence

A psychodynamic transformation (aka "healing")

Eg: you projecting your mom/dad stuff onto each other can be seen as a beautiful chance to make it conscious so you can be more present and available in all your relationships

A different kind of relationship: Ongoing friendship, mentorship, employment, or some other awesome/potent relationship

A chance to see what you’re avoiding in other relationships. This is the classic where someone cheats rather than deal with stuff at home.

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Hat Tip to Ken Wilber, where I first heard of using the word “eros” as the creative impulse of the universe driving to more novelty.