I’m watching this video made by a former liberal who voted for Trump because I want to better understand what is happening. It’s well made, she seems extremely sane and rational. My approach has been to listen from a mindset of what would it feel like for me if a majority of this was true?
I’m stunned to see how visceral my fear of listening is. Tightness in my chest, sudden exhaustion, extreme urge to eat something soothing or do literally anything else. I’ve been giving myself breathers, but also doing a lot of looking straight at the sensations. There’s grasping fear of my mind changing, even slightly. There’s a potent feel of betrayal, specifically in a moment when the video showed Rachel Maddow, betrayal of the gay community I grew up with in Memphis. Betrayal of the beauty and love they raised me with. Fear of becoming one of the people I’ve seen as conspiracy theorists. Fear of estrangement from the people I love the most if I were to ever discover that I disagreed with them, if I could even fathom having been capable of choosing to vote for Trump.