World-selfing and self-worlding 🪬. In today’s Level Up ⬆️ immersion I was noticing how much our coping strategies assume and defend a world. For example, “I’m quiet because I’m afraid I don’t belong,” assumes and reifies that belonging is a thing that others can grant or deny. This was beautiful to see, and apply to myself (“I’ll share deep insights to earn loving acceptance” assumes loving acceptance is somewhere other than here already) but then I noticed how I was only emphasizing the world-assumption. And I don’t know how any human could ever know of a world without a knower—so whenever we say "world,” we really mean “world+self,” and whenever we say “self,” we really mean “self+world.” So if I’m assuming and defending a world, I’m also assuming and defending a self.

As another example I was reconnecting with an old friend as he described how complex the world is and how simple and low-bandwidth our models of it are. Yes! I agree! Applying the world+self awareness, I see how my self-concept is extremely simple and low-bandwidth compared to the wild complexity of who I am in ‘reality.’

Recursively, the recognition of self+worlding/world+selfing still enacts a world and a self. I don’t think we can stand outside of such a process; we can though shift our sense of what a self and a world are to be more aware of/surrendered into/as the process of this happening. As serious as this sounds, the outcome, if done right, should be more access to a light-hearted playfulness (because we’re always a little mistaken about what’s real and who we are) and heart-break (because everything we love is ephemeral). The heart breaks open to be more with what's here rather than what we hoped—but the grief for what was, is, and what we wanted, is felt more intensely.

Recognizing the process while being the process shifts the locus from defending particular self+worlds to fluid participation in constructing. Self becomes verb rather than noun, world becomes activity rather than container. 

#TTT

Shadows of personal growth culture: weaponized toolkits. I think everyone here has probably experienced weaponized NVC. What are some of the other things you see weaponized that annoy you?

eg:

• Weaponized Commitment to connection: there are bunch of versions of this: i can’t heal myself without you, my feelings are dependent on your reaction (classic codependency) you must stay in the connection and respond to my inquiry or else you’re not deep, spiritual, or committed enough, etc

• weaponized owning your experience

Of course most of the time if you simply use principles, steps, and tools for yourself only you dont run into these issues; but even then people are sneaky and manipulative (often without even realizing it themselves!)

Shadows of personal growth culture: weaponized toolkits. I think everyone here has probably experienced weaponized NVC. What are some of the other things you see weaponized that annoy you?

eg:

• Weaponized Commitment to connection: there are bunch of versions of this: i can’t heal myself without you, my feelings are dependent on your reaction (classic codependency) you must stay in the connection and respond to my inquiry or else you’re not deep, spiritual, or committed enough, etc

• weaponized owning your experience

Of course most of the time if you simply use principles, steps, and tools for yourself only you dont run into these issues; but even then people are sneaky and manipulative (often without even realizing it themselves!)

Emotional Awareness leading to suffering or transcendence? 🫠. Many emotional awareness practices are self reifying. I think this leads to more suffering.

Does being more in touch with your emotional reality invite transcendence of who and what you think you are? Or does it confine you? Are you more open to surprise, or are you more controlling of how people are with you? Are you more responsible for your well-being now that you see what’s happening inside of you, or do you now feel entitled to others treating you a certain way?

I’ve done all of the above, probably today. My apologies to everyone who I’ve been holding responsible for me and my experience. I forget how powerful I am: how I get to choose the interpretations, my right to how I respond, what I show up for, and how I use my resources. I forget to respect the beauty and functionality of how you do things, and to let our differences be OK even if this means more space between us.

I like to think with relatefulness our emotional awareness training opens us up, allows us to be more self-responsible, and transcend the confines of what we limit our self-identity to. But we are flawed and multiple, so sometimes we use our best tools against ourselves. May we be gentle with ourselves and others when we slip into a disempowered assessment, “feelings reveal the truth of who I am,” and may we keep shifting toward an empowered inquiry, “feelings reveal new possibilities—am I free to choose?"

#TTT 

Ordinary Love. An invitation to true wellness culture

Postmodernity is too egocentric. This includes current “spiritual” trends.

Here’s what an alternative can look like: Yesterday Dara asked Jason to install a window A/C unit in Val’s room; he came over and did it. Last night a participant shared struggling with a contract at work, and a lawyer in the session volunteered to help her redline it. My sister watches the kids while I help my brother-in-law move their furniture to make room for the new baby. If this doesn’t sound special, that’s the point. You’re already doing this, that’s also the point.

I’m not writing to admonish us to “get rid” of the “ego”—a particular self-identity*. I think it’s too hard for modern Americans, steeped in a culture of individualism. I love life, people, experience, and I think a good life includes a sense of “me.” Instead, I want to expand the sense of self to go much beyond the concept of “my body, my history” to see the larger whole these are part of. One upshot of this is gratitude, even for what I usually think of as “Jordan’s”—like these thoughts thunk in English. I needed English to think ‘em, so how much are they ‘mine’? 

Automated & consensual narrative lock-in

We know that social media exacerbated this. Many studies show narcissism and loneliness increasing faster with mass adoption of social media, especially after 2012. Young kids don’t want to serve as a fireman or doctor anymore, they want to be adored as an influencer (We’re working on this social media problem by launching UpTrust). 

Now I worry that AI is exponentiating this self-reification trend to unprecedented levels.

Last week I met four people who were convinced that their personal ChatGPT interface, molding its “personality” to respond based on their unique interactions, was a sentient being. If you think our filter bubbles are bad now, imagine what it’s like when we have 8 billion of them? Each individual’s personal collection of bots reinforcing whatever identity feels special, safe, and comfortable, no matter how limited and delusional?

There’s nothing wrong with specialness, safety, and comfort, but neither is there anything wrong with ordinariness, risk, and discomfort. Transformation, life, intimacy, and play all demand both. Are we bleaching the color of life in pursuit of maintaining a self? What are we so afraid of that we hide from becoming? Life is transformation. Relating requires and changes our uniqueness. Other people providing friction and challenge—that’s a service, freely given to all at birth.

Perhaps the trap isn’t narcissism. It’s any reification of identity via any narrative frame, especially spiritual ones, designed to parade as if they’re narrative-free. And the cost is ordinary love.

Transcend and exclude often means we fall back into less maturity

I’m still trying to get my mind and language around this, so I’m going to highlight the contrast to see the phenomena more clearly. Does your coach / (AI) therapist / culture / practice help you:

• Express more gratitude? Become more forgiving? Be more accepting of others’ flaws? “Settle matters quickly with your adversary who is taking you to court”?
  Or say you should be treated a very particular way (reifying a victim identity?)

• Build infrastructure that’s super helpful but unsexy? Do things that are good for others without recognition? Feed those who are hungry? Do mundane things for the local whole like pick up trash that’s not yours?
  Or build a marketing funnel that will help you promote yourself and perpetuate the ‘me’ ‘me’ ‘me’ cycle? 

• Love your friends and family better? Accept being misunderstood? Show up to their events and support their successes? Take care of them when they’re sick? Be more generous? Patient, humble, respectful, loyal, temperate? Maintain commitments regardless of feelings?
  Or emphasize your in-the-moment desire above all else, calling impulsivity and self-centeredness ‘surrender’?

• Develop boundaries as expressions of love and connection? Face challenges with grace and acceptance? Take responsibility for your pain, flaws, mistakes, shadows, and limitations?
  Or use "boundaries" to control others and force them to change according to your preferences?

• Admit ignorance, learn from criticism, hold your beliefs lightly, speak simply about profound experiences, work steadily without needing dramatic breakthroughs, notice your defensive patterns without performatively announcing them, contribute to social understanding, love others as they are?
  Or position yourself as having rare insights to help others transcend their limitations through your techniques and advice?

This list can go on; I wish I could speak to the connection and community side more but I’m stuck in my own bias. 

I’m not saying it’s easy, we of course need guides, mentors, feedback–it’s so complicated! Nor am I saying its special—all of this has been said for thousands of years! I’m trying to highlight a healthy version of one pole and unhealthy versions of another on purpose to get more clarity on where we are deeply unbalanced today. This is especially true of ‘spiritual’ hotbeds like San Francisco, Boulder, Ubud, Amsterdam. Austin is somewhat counterbalanced by its Texas-ness—cowboy culture still emphasizes family, duty and sacrifice to a greater good beyond ‘you’. Plus our immigrants are a little more integrated.

What’s up with me?

Anyway, I ask myself: Why do I care?

Sure, practices purported to transcend ego instead teach self-absorption. But it’s in the name— "personal growth" and “self-help.” What’s got me?

Because I’m guilty of all of this. 

Sometimes despite my best efforts, I’ve taught people to ignore their minds in order to stay with the sensations of their bodies (rather than integrating them); to ‘surrender’ to their feelings-in-the-moment and ignore larger consequences or agreements and the greater wholes that hold them. I’ve corrected a lot of these mistakes, made amends, even evolved the practice and training. Yet I still can’t quite escape the selfishness of ‘wellness’ culture. Prime example: a couple years ago we hosted a “Give Fest” at the Relateful Studio in Austin with a reverse silent auction, where people bid on what they wanted to give to a local nonprofit. Even my wife and I didn’t follow through on what we ‘won.’

Let us redefine wellness and self-development. Let us change the metrics to gratitude, forgiveness, acceptance of our and others' flaws, showing up for family, friendship, and our greater communities. Let us celebrate unglamorous, unwitnessed interdependence.

Three alternatives: what is it all for?

Burning Man is actually a great example of a positive alternative. The economy is about gifting—and after your first year, it’s well known that to get the most out of the experience, you need to give. People camp in communities, build massive art projects and cars together, and give them freely without credit, burning them at the end. It’s all about creating for the whole, being present with each other in non-transactional relating. All of this disrupts the self-reification loops in such a way that people are consistently shaken from long held encumbrances, and come out of the desert transformed. I say this as an admirer but not a fanatic—I went to Black Rock City in 2012 and 2014, and then didn’t go again.

Relatefulness

Relatefulness, especially in Level Up ⬆’s Leadership Program and the The Relateful Coaching Training, does not fall into these problem nearly as badly as almost every other community I’ve seen. We claim our directionality of truth + love. This means the personal can’t be number one—individual expression and growth is always in service of something greater. Of course we make mistakes. (For example, the Level Up structure highlighted individualism. We’ll be returning to a cohort-only model this Fall—more on that in a future email). But we’ve done a really good job focusing on being with what is, especially relationally and communally. 

We don’t abandon compassion and honesty in service of making sure people feel seen, heard, cultivating a ‘safe space,’ or maintaining instagram-defined-trauma-therapy-norms. This is hard, because I not only want people to feel seen, heard, safe, and heal, I think it’s crucial for a healthy community and for the true pursuit of truth and love. It just needs to be in service of love/truth, rather than an end unto itself. It needs to come authentically from the moment, not as a script or status signal or performance. We run into generative friction embracing the seeming paradox of this polarity all the time, and it is incredibly demanding of our facilitators to walk this tight rope. It demands that we are always changing, individually as leaders, as a community, and even the practice itself. Even our coaching teaches revealing identity commitments, inherently making the self an object in a larger self that can choose “yes” or “no” to, versus reinforcing a self and an existing worldview.

And even as we teach people how to meta-narrate as a way to witness and disembed themselves from unconscious habits that have been running them, we recognize that the compulsion to name and categorize experiences—spiritual or otherwise—often becomes a form of conceptual possession, serving self preservation rather than self-transformation.

Frozen
The Disney movie Frozen shows another fantastic example of a healthy alternative. (I just watched the Broadway version with my kids this weekend, so it's fresh on my mind). 

In my view, the critical part of Elsa moving from “Conceal don’t reveal” to “Let it Go” is not about self-expression, it's about surrendering the need to control, particularly others’ reactions to her true nature. As a result she loves what she previously saw as her shame (her ice power), an identity transformation that eliminates the victim-perpetrator dynamic entirely and unlocks her ability to use her power for everyone’s benefit.

But of course the most incredible part is reframing the trope of “true love”—not just from romantic to familial love, but about the act of loving others. The secret that ‘healed’ Anna’s frozen heart wasn’t receiving ‘true love’ from someone else, but her performing a selfless act of true love herself. Even better, she truly loved the one who accidentally caused the curse in the first place, in a show of what I like to call “true forgiveness”—there was never any threat to love’s presence in the first place. So in some real sense, nothing to forgive. Family love, particularly love that endures despite harm, represents the ordinary, unglamorous love that doesn't depend on worthiness or reciprocity (romantic love ideally is the same, but often feels like something we need to earn or could lose). 

Oh and there’s the wonderful Olaf, as a projection of the best of Anna and Elsa’s innocence in childhood. And I love that it’s not spiritual :)
 

True spirituality isn’t spiritual (and is definitely not about ‘me’)

As usual, I’m writing this for myself as much as anyone. Can I experience states of fundamental wellbeing, help others, and act with virtue and integrity without any internal or external narration / validation? Without needing it to be spiritual development? Who would be accumulating spiritual experiences or qualities anyway, and what would they be good for if not to benefit the whole of existence?

Can all of my mastery lead me to being completely ordinary? Not needing actions to be recognized as anything, even by myself, I respond to what's in front of me without overlaying (spiritual) significance.

And can I not do that for the sake of development either? If I notice that self-referential trap, may I love myself in it and move on with the normal good stuff of living. The self-referential loop is infinite if I engage it.

Instead, let me show up lovingly for the sake of itself, because that’s what love does.

—

*Although that is a path that can work for some people like Byron Katie or Eckhart Tolle, it’s a hard one to “do” because the will that acts needs to eventually be transcended. In both of their histories, their dissolution was more done to them.

(this will be sent out to my #TTT email in a couple of days, but UpTrust gets the early exclusive ;) )

an inevitable future of unconditional love. "The world is sacred. It can't be improved." says verse 29 of the Tao te Ching.

I know the experience this statement comes from. I believe everyone knows it. Knows moments of simple unimpeachable perfection, no matter how violent (eg watching a crocodile catching a deer in slo mo). In this moment—wedding, sex, nature, child's birth, "first sip" of coffee, simple flower—this sacredness is everything.

What if we all remembered this? What if we made our decisions from this place? What if we let go of needing to "get somewhere" altogether? Like a post-scarcity economy, but for our relationship to existence. Unconditional love and faith. What would a society look like that recognizes it is in full devotion to what already is, and needs do nothing?

I can feel my own resistance—what if I need to take out the trash!? Or redesign social media's incentive structure?! But then I challenge the assumptions these question depend on: how come perfection someone doesn't include taking out the trash? Doesn't it already, if this quote is true? Doesn't the unconditional love I'm pointing to already include all of it?

One view: the future of unconditional love is inevitable, because it's what we already have, and have always had.

#FutureYouLove 

What men wish women understood about men. This has been trigger a lot LOLs and ROFLs in my group chats. It's obviously over-the-top dramatic with the music and tone and hyperbolic "10,000x" language but it did make me think how much "burden" is kept when you don't talk about things. I think that's the basic premise, woman share their burdens and men keep them to themselves. It certainly tracks for me. 

Yesterday, during our tango lesson, I was feeling out of sync dancing with my wife. Our teacher shared that it was because I was moving ahead of her. I was focused more on executing the steps rather than being completely present with her and moving together. When I included her in my awareness and focused on being connected in motion, it felt so much better!

I couldn't help but think that this is another metaphor and a reminder for how I can show up better for myself. So often I prioritize my tasks, completing them, and pushing through while ignoring how my body feels, until it's too late. I'm leaving my body - 'my partner' - behind. But there are times... usually after I'm reminded that I've been neglecting my body... that I make a conscious decision to support my body with movement, good food, and rest, which inevitably supports me in being more focused and better with the tasks at hand.

So I wonder what else becomes possible when I prioritize taking care of myself while working and it becomes more of my norm. 

What are some of your uncertainties? Experiences of failure (that maybe you still haven't turned into learnings yet?) Obvious realizations? (eg: things that were maybe super obvious to others, or even obvious to you about others, but you just realized deeply apply to you?) 

Will you share some here in the comments?

#quicktakes 

 "For Lacan, ‘full speech’ took place on the level of the Symbolic; here was where meaning was produced and expressed. By contrast, ‘empty speech’ occurred at the level of the Imaginary, a pure signification devoid of true meaning... ‘Full speech is speech which aims at, which forms, the truth such as it becomes established in the recognition of one person by another. Full speech is speech which performs"

This is a different cut on the question of earnestness and sincerity, and I find it quite powerful.

I don’t fully understand what sexual attraction really is. In one occasion I was able to pierce through a feeling of arousal and I found a big wound from my childhood. Something totally non sexual.

I wonder whether a lot of sexual attraction just points to unmet needs and is “designed” to help us meet those needs by bringing closer to specific people (with certain characteristics).

But I don’t understand the whole picture here. Is it always like this? There is some clear use for sexual arousal in reproduction, I can’t believe that’s always a sexualized childhood wound. Where’s the border between a sexualization and a genuine, irreducible sexual thing?? What do you think?

Boycotting Explanation. I've been experimenting lately with refusing to explain in relationship.

I was raised by a lawyer and legal assistant and in the context of my upbringing being able to explain myself and my experience/emotions/etc (and implicitly justify myself) was my ticket to my experiences/emotions/etc being received as valid, worthy of care and attention, and so on. 

I have a hunch that this taught me to collude to manipulate/be manipulated by the habit/expectation of explanation - the implicit currency of justification seems possibly insidious and so far, since I've experimented with abstaining from it, otherwise unnecessary. 

#quicktakes

All over-generalizations are harmful, even this one. How can we achieve brevity in communication without clinging to oversimplified models of the world?

Hot take- Hating and complaining is healthy for authenticity and intimacy . In the new age era, there is so much emphasis on positivity and light. I sense a superficial texture at times, where it's challenging for me to feel the depths of the person before me. I noticed a pattern, that when I opened the doorway to begin complaining and hating things playfully yet honestly, gushing renewed life force showered the conversation.

followed by much laughter and beauty.

yes, some people need to learn how to use words in ways other than complaining and hating....

and some, need that permission slip to be a wild animal in their expression so their soul doesn't suffocate in an in an invisible box of superficial superior spirituality 

Envy and desire. I’ve been studying quite intensively with Kasia Urbaniak this summer. One thing she’s focusing on is something she calls emotional alchemy: moving emotions and cooking them so that they can lead us towards what we want. One example she talks about is turning envy into desire. When we feel envy towards another person it shows us what we really want, and in fighting that person we subconsciously tell ourselves we can’t have what they have, but in blessing them and befriending them and learning from them we get to move closer to having what they have.

I like the concept and I’ve tried it a few times where it’s led me to claim more of myself. It’s actually been quite transformative in a few relationships too, but specifically it’s helped me to not be stuck in envy.

What do y’all think about it?

Musings: The World Is Overstilumated. I'm reflecting on my experience this summer spending 3 days in the dark. I was in Tangier, Morocco, in an apartment, and I had those garage door window shutters that would keep the entire apartment completely pitch black even in the middle of the day. I chose to spend 3 days in the darkness. Mostly sitting on the couch staring into darkness.

I wasn't aware of this experience having much impact until I started having phone calls with people from the darkness. I could hear everything in the silence. Beyond someone's voice, I could hear the Soul speaking. I'm pretty convinced we can communicate in Silence, and I love words.

I've been wondering about how overstimulated the world is. In this moment I'm watching the woman across the table from me scroll through her phone, going from Instagram to Spotify to texting to checking out concert tickets this weekend. Starting sentences and starting new ones mid sentence. I'm in love with how incongruent and disoriented we can appear as humans.

I wonder what it would be like for the world to take a day off from stimulus: food, cell phone, entertainment devices, etc. What if we had a collective pause? Sunlight, water, fresh air. Our collective nervous system could use a Parasympathetic Pause. I like this as an Emerging Probability and Planetary Potential. Feels like part of the emerging meta-model and protocol for The Wellbeing of Humanity.

Fuck. I'm not as open minded as I like to believe I am. I’m watching this video made by a former liberal who voted for Trump because I want to better understand what is happening. It’s well made, she seems extremely sane and rational. My approach has been to listen from a mindset of what would it feel like for me if a majority of this was true?

I’m stunned to see how visceral my fear of listening is. Tightness in my chest, sudden exhaustion, extreme urge to eat something soothing or do literally anything else. I’ve been giving myself breathers, but also doing a lot of looking straight at the sensations. There’s grasping fear of my mind changing, even slightly. There’s a potent feel of betrayal, specifically in a moment when the video showed Rachel Maddow, betrayal of the gay community I grew up with in Memphis. Betrayal of the beauty and love they raised me with. Fear of becoming one of the people I’ve seen as conspiracy theorists. Fear of estrangement from the people I love the most if I were to ever discover that I disagreed with them, if I could even fathom having been capable of choosing to vote for Trump.

https://x.com/JoomiKim1/status/1850530862531498458?fbclid=IwY2xjawGYjD5leHRuA2FlbQIxMAABHX6NqxhGLf66D5dwcO4QYdWiFNY26N92a26splKrZiqYbHYxosDeCggb8A_aem_hYzzfzlGJolkUhgqT73l-w

Being Out of Sync in a Group Meeting. I was just in a meeting that I was leading where, almost every time I spoke, someone else spoke at the same time. The other person would continue speaking and I would stop. It was as if my timing was wrong; I was out of sync with the group. I imagine there were a number of things going on. One is that I was holding the list of topics to talk about as if we needed to get through all of them in the time we had, while the group wanted to savor and speak to each item at length. But it wasn’t just that. Within a topic, I was always bumping against someone else, timing wise. It felt awful. Any ideas or comments about this phenomena?