sexuality

I don’t fully understand what sexual attraction really is. In one occasion I was able to pierce through a feeling of arousal and I found a big wound from my childhood. Something totally non sexual.

I wonder whether a lot of sexual attraction just points to unmet needs and is “designed” to help us meet those needs by bringing closer to specific people (with certain characteristics).

But I don’t understand the whole picture here. Is it always like this? There is some clear use for sexual arousal in reproduction, I can’t believe that’s always a sexualized childhood wound. Where’s the border between a sexualization and a genuine, irreducible sexual thing?? What do you think?

I don’t fully understand what sexual attraction really is. In one occasion I was able to pierce through a feeling of arousal and I found a big wound from my childhood. Something totally non sexual.

I wonder whether a lot of sexual attraction just points to unmet needs and is “designed” to help us meet those needs by bringing closer to specific people (with certain characteristics).

But I don’t understand the whole picture here. Is it always like this? There is some clear use for sexual arousal in reproduction, I can’t believe that’s always a sexualized childhood wound. Where’s the border between a sexualization and a genuine, irreducible sexual thing?? What do you think?

You’re doing sex wrong: What I wish everyone knew about the emotional presence, physical skill, and energetic magnitude of blissful, fulfilling sex. Emotional Presence

Orgasm is a paltry goal

Orgasms aren’t always a clear yes-or-no thing for me. There’s an ever-growing range of pleasurable experiences that I call “orgasm,” and the one I’m certain would be widely agreed upon as an orgasm is the least pleasurable one for me (it’s still very pleasurable, but it's last on my list.)

Here are some examples of wonderful aims to have in sex. None of these require orgasm; all of these could include orgasm as a delicious side-effect.

• Feeling more connected to each other

• Co-regulation

• Joy and play

• Exploration and discovery

• Prayer, awe, and communion with the divine

• Experiencing enjoyable sensations

• Embracing the present moment

• Basking in beauty

Sex as embodied emotions

Making love, sex, and fucking are three different things for me that are also able to coexist.

Making love is embodied emotions intertwining.

Sex is a physical act.

Fucking is carnal enactments of our animal beings.

All three (and any combination) are more wonderful, and more vulnerable, when everyone involved is present in their bodies and emotions. When I’m embodied during physical intimacy, I’m likely to cry, to admit I feel self-conscious or inadequate, to pursue repressed cravings, to discover I’m not who I thought I was, to feel overwhelmed with love, to feel helplessly swept away by sensation…

I was in my 30’s the first time I had intimacy where we were both fully embodied and emotionally present with each other. Since then, I’ve had basically no interest in sex that isn’t borne of emotions. 

Say your love

We’re used to saying “I love you,” and “Thank you for…” but it’s very rare for people to say their love.

It’s impossible to say why I love someone. The love itself seems to just happen, regardless of anything. But I can describe what loving them is like. And I can name things I love about them.

“When someone says you’re awesome, it feels like they’ve also just told me I’m awesome. They see what I see about you.”

“It feels like you celebrate me for exactly who I am, and that you’re already celebrating anything I will discover about myself.”

“I admire the responsibilities you choose to take on.”

It started with a dear friend. We’d hit a rough patch, and when we talked it through I learned that it’s incredibly helpful for her when I say what I love about her. I’d always noticed those things, so it was just a matter of remembering to say them out loud. 

It was like magic to our friendship, the bond turned from string to rope.

A few months later I added the practice into another very close friendship. It was instantaneously generative, I was blown away. That experience has been so rewarding that I didn’t even realize I was starting to do it with everyone. Unexpectedly, it has started to come back to me. I noticed because love started coming from different people than the ones I had been saying my love to, seemingly out of nowhere.

“I don’t know of anyone better at building community than you. The group wouldn’t be what it is without you.”

“You don’t seem to be doing personal growth from wanting to fix or change yourself at all. It feels so good to be around.”

It’s a beautiful practice because you consistently draw your attention to where your love connects to the words that come out of your mouth. It’s a beautiful practice because intimacy instantly increases when you say your love, even if they have trouble really taking it in, because you’re more in tune with why they matter to you and to your gratitude for having them in your life.

Physical Skill

Your body

Integrate your body sensations.

The next time you’re massaging a sore muscle, notice whether you feel an invisible boundary when your hand goes near where massage therapists don’t go. Try expanding that boundary line while keeping the intention of massage instead of shifting to foreplay or masturbation.

The next time you’re experiencing sexual pleasure, notice whether you keep the sensations of pleasure confined to certain areas of your body. Try using your breath and your attention to share the pleasure with your whole body, your whole self.

Lips and kissing

Kissing is, for me, one of the most deeply intimate interactions of all. My lips are very sensitive, and to meet someone else’s lips feels like an electrical connection straight to our essences.

Where is your attention when you kiss? Maybe it’s mental, an expression of care. Maybe it’s habitual, a ritual of attachment. Maybe it’s goal-oriented, a first step toward sex. 

Next time, before you kiss, feel your lips. Let the nerve endings come alive and start to tingle. Feel the sensations of smiling, of your lips touching each other, of your tongue wetting your lips and the air brushing the wetness. Approach your partner’s lips slowly, and sense the excitement of increasing closeness building in your chest. Pause before your lips are touching, and swim in your longing. Imagine how their lips will feel to your sensitized skin. Kiss from discovery, your lips finding theirs. Explore sensations. Feel your turn-on.

When I do this with a partner who is compatibly oriented, my body responds intensely. I have uncontrollable contractions. This is one of the sensations I choose to call orgasm, and this one is very high on my pleasure list.

The cervix

Women hold tension in their cervix. The cervix can be as soft and supple as a cloud, or as hard as a rock, and everywhere in-between. When there is a lot of tension in the cervix, no amount of foreplay will calm her enough for her to be able to feel her own turn-on, and penetration will be painful. Imagine the fiercest muscle knot you’ve ever had, then imagine someone banging repeatedly on that muscle knot with a hammer. It’s just like that.

The tension in the cervix can be released with tender, patient, attuned cervical massage. She may have a lifetime’s worth of pain and anxiety held there. Be prepared for her to cry. A lot. Be prepared to stop and hold her while she sobs. Be prepared for this practice to be something you have to return to over and over for weeks or months. The benefits of cervical massage can be out of this world. 

When my cervix is soft, it’s impossible to remember what want or resentment feel like. When my cervix is soft, it’s easy to feel turn-on, joy, forgiveness, and bliss.

The penis

Imagine orienting to sex from the perspective of an emotional and energetic experience instead of from the perspective of a physical act. Concepts of size or hardness don’t make sense from this perspective.

It’s common in tantra to call the penis the “wand of light.” The power isn’t based on the shape or density of the wand, the power is in the intensity and clarity of the light.

When I feel love for him and our connection is well-tended, his penis feels amazing, even if it’s an uncommon shape. When I trust him and feel safe to release any vigilance, his penis feels amazing, even if it’s small. When his heart is penetrating mine through his eyes, his penis feels amazing, even if it’s soft. When he is fully embodied in himself and is rooted in experiencing his pleasure with me, his penis feels amazing, even if it’s not inside me.

Energetic Magnitude

Sex doesn’t require nudity or touch

Not long ago, I landed in sustained silent eye contact with a former partner. I felt locked in, like a tractor beam, and I liked it, even though it was intimidating. I surrendered to the experience. I let go of the need to think thoughts. I let go of what other people might think of us. I let go of the need to understand anything at all. I let all of my attention drop into the electric, spacious experience of our connection. After some minutes (I had also released my sense of time) I had what seemed like a flashback to one of the times we’d had sex. As I stayed in the experience, it became clear that it wasn’t actually a flashback, it was a present experience. I was fully clothed, across the room from him, completely still except for breathing, and I was fully immersed in energetic union.

Experiment with consensual energetic lovemaking. Rest into eye contact. Receive the ecstasy of that person’s attention on you. Share the euphoria throughout your body and let it wake every nerve ending. Feel the fact that your clothes and the air are already caressing your skin. Notice that you’re already being penetrated by air with each inhale. Imagine your pleasure being able to glow out of you to warm and nourish your partner.

If you become able to fully do this while also physically making love, prepare to feel wrapped in divine bliss.

Embodiment

Years ago, I was having sex with my then-boyfriend, and his penis kept feeling like it was changing size. Dramatically. It didn’t feel like it was getting softer or harder, it felt like it was ranging from nothing to almost more than I could take. It was fascinating. Without explanation, when I felt the size change I said a number for what size his penis felt, from zero to 100. 

During the post-coital cuddle, he said, “I don’t know how you did that thing with the numbers. Every number was completely accurate of how dissociated I felt.” We talked it through, both of us amazed, that I said low numbers when he felt very dissociated, and I said high numbers when he felt very embodied.

Embodiment during physical intimacy is no small ask. You’ll be aware of everything you’re self-conscious about, everything you hide, everything you believe isn’t loveable in yourself. You will have to learn to believe all of you is loveable to fully embody the being they’re making love to. It’s a practice, and it may take a long time. Be gentle with yourself, and give yourself endless grace for the journey.

I hope that I’ve only just begun discovering what’s possible.

I hope something you’ve read here gives your life more pleasure, love, presence, and joy.

I hope to learn from you for the rest of my life.

#DeepTakes

You’re doing sex wrong: What I wish everyone knew about the emotional presence, physical skill, and energetic magnitude of blissful, fulfilling sex. Emotional Presence

Orgasm is a paltry goal

Orgasms aren’t always a clear yes-or-no thing for me. There’s an ever-growing range of pleasurable experiences that I call “orgasm,” and the one I’m certain would be widely agreed upon as an orgasm is the least pleasurable one for me (it’s still very pleasurable, but it's last on my list.)

Here are some examples of wonderful aims to have in sex. None of these require orgasm; all of these could include orgasm as a delicious side-effect.

• Feeling more connected to each other

• Co-regulation

• Joy and play

• Exploration and discovery

• Prayer, awe, and communion with the divine

• Experiencing enjoyable sensations

• Embracing the present moment

• Basking in beauty

Sex as embodied emotions

Making love, sex, and fucking are three different things for me that are also able to coexist.

Making love is embodied emotions intertwining.

Sex is a physical act.

Fucking is carnal enactments of our animal beings.

All three (and any combination) are more wonderful, and more vulnerable, when everyone involved is present in their bodies and emotions. When I’m embodied during physical intimacy, I’m likely to cry, to admit I feel self-conscious or inadequate, to pursue repressed cravings, to discover I’m not who I thought I was, to feel overwhelmed with love, to feel helplessly swept away by sensation…

I was in my 30’s the first time I had intimacy where we were both fully embodied and emotionally present with each other. Since then, I’ve had basically no interest in sex that isn’t borne of emotions. 

Say your love

We’re used to saying “I love you,” and “Thank you for…” but it’s very rare for people to say their love.

It’s impossible to say why I love someone. The love itself seems to just happen, regardless of anything. But I can describe what loving them is like. And I can name things I love about them.

“When someone says you’re awesome, it feels like they’ve also just told me I’m awesome. They see what I see about you.”

“It feels like you celebrate me for exactly who I am, and that you’re already celebrating anything I will discover about myself.”

“I admire the responsibilities you choose to take on.”

It started with a dear friend. We’d hit a rough patch, and when we talked it through I learned that it’s incredibly helpful for her when I say what I love about her. I’d always noticed those things, so it was just a matter of remembering to say them out loud. 

It was like magic to our friendship, the bond turned from string to rope.

A few months later I added the practice into another very close friendship. It was instantaneously generative, I was blown away. That experience has been so rewarding that I didn’t even realize I was starting to do it with everyone. Unexpectedly, it has started to come back to me. I noticed because love started coming from different people than the ones I had been saying my love to, seemingly out of nowhere.

“I don’t know of anyone better at building community than you. The group wouldn’t be what it is without you.”

“You don’t seem to be doing personal growth from wanting to fix or change yourself at all. It feels so good to be around.”

It’s a beautiful practice because you consistently draw your attention to where your love connects to the words that come out of your mouth. It’s a beautiful practice because intimacy instantly increases when you say your love, even if they have trouble really taking it in, because you’re more in tune with why they matter to you and to your gratitude for having them in your life.

Physical Skill

Your body

Integrate your body sensations.

The next time you’re massaging a sore muscle, notice whether you feel an invisible boundary when your hand goes near where massage therapists don’t go. Try expanding that boundary line while keeping the intention of massage instead of shifting to foreplay or masturbation.

The next time you’re experiencing sexual pleasure, notice whether you keep the sensations of pleasure confined to certain areas of your body. Try using your breath and your attention to share the pleasure with your whole body, your whole self.

Lips and kissing

Kissing is, for me, one of the most deeply intimate interactions of all. My lips are very sensitive, and to meet someone else’s lips feels like an electrical connection straight to our essences.

Where is your attention when you kiss? Maybe it’s mental, an expression of care. Maybe it’s habitual, a ritual of attachment. Maybe it’s goal-oriented, a first step toward sex. 

Next time, before you kiss, feel your lips. Let the nerve endings come alive and start to tingle. Feel the sensations of smiling, of your lips touching each other, of your tongue wetting your lips and the air brushing the wetness. Approach your partner’s lips slowly, and sense the excitement of increasing closeness building in your chest. Pause before your lips are touching, and swim in your longing. Imagine how their lips will feel to your sensitized skin. Kiss from discovery, your lips finding theirs. Explore sensations. Feel your turn-on.

When I do this with a partner who is compatibly oriented, my body responds intensely. I have uncontrollable contractions. This is one of the sensations I choose to call orgasm, and this one is very high on my pleasure list.

The cervix

Women hold tension in their cervix. The cervix can be as soft and supple as a cloud, or as hard as a rock, and everywhere in-between. When there is a lot of tension in the cervix, no amount of foreplay will calm her enough for her to be able to feel her own turn-on, and penetration will be painful. Imagine the fiercest muscle knot you’ve ever had, then imagine someone banging repeatedly on that muscle knot with a hammer. It’s just like that.

The tension in the cervix can be released with tender, patient, attuned cervical massage. She may have a lifetime’s worth of pain and anxiety held there. Be prepared for her to cry. A lot. Be prepared to stop and hold her while she sobs. Be prepared for this practice to be something you have to return to over and over for weeks or months. The benefits of cervical massage can be out of this world. 

When my cervix is soft, it’s impossible to remember what want or resentment feel like. When my cervix is soft, it’s easy to feel turn-on, joy, forgiveness, and bliss.

The penis

Imagine orienting to sex from the perspective of an emotional and energetic experience instead of from the perspective of a physical act. Concepts of size or hardness don’t make sense from this perspective.

It’s common in tantra to call the penis the “wand of light.” The power isn’t based on the shape or density of the wand, the power is in the intensity and clarity of the light.

When I feel love for him and our connection is well-tended, his penis feels amazing, even if it’s an uncommon shape. When I trust him and feel safe to release any vigilance, his penis feels amazing, even if it’s small. When his heart is penetrating mine through his eyes, his penis feels amazing, even if it’s soft. When he is fully embodied in himself and is rooted in experiencing his pleasure with me, his penis feels amazing, even if it’s not inside me.

Energetic Magnitude

Sex doesn’t require nudity or touch

Not long ago, I landed in sustained silent eye contact with a former partner. I felt locked in, like a tractor beam, and I liked it, even though it was intimidating. I surrendered to the experience. I let go of the need to think thoughts. I let go of what other people might think of us. I let go of the need to understand anything at all. I let all of my attention drop into the electric, spacious experience of our connection. After some minutes (I had also released my sense of time) I had what seemed like a flashback to one of the times we’d had sex. As I stayed in the experience, it became clear that it wasn’t actually a flashback, it was a present experience. I was fully clothed, across the room from him, completely still except for breathing, and I was fully immersed in energetic union.

Experiment with consensual energetic lovemaking. Rest into eye contact. Receive the ecstasy of that person’s attention on you. Share the euphoria throughout your body and let it wake every nerve ending. Feel the fact that your clothes and the air are already caressing your skin. Notice that you’re already being penetrated by air with each inhale. Imagine your pleasure being able to glow out of you to warm and nourish your partner.

If you become able to fully do this while also physically making love, prepare to feel wrapped in divine bliss.

Embodiment

Years ago, I was having sex with my then-boyfriend, and his penis kept feeling like it was changing size. Dramatically. It didn’t feel like it was getting softer or harder, it felt like it was ranging from nothing to almost more than I could take. It was fascinating. Without explanation, when I felt the size change I said a number for what size his penis felt, from zero to 100. 

During the post-coital cuddle, he said, “I don’t know how you did that thing with the numbers. Every number was completely accurate of how dissociated I felt.” We talked it through, both of us amazed, that I said low numbers when he felt very dissociated, and I said high numbers when he felt very embodied.

Embodiment during physical intimacy is no small ask. You’ll be aware of everything you’re self-conscious about, everything you hide, everything you believe isn’t loveable in yourself. You will have to learn to believe all of you is loveable to fully embody the being they’re making love to. It’s a practice, and it may take a long time. Be gentle with yourself, and give yourself endless grace for the journey.

I hope that I’ve only just begun discovering what’s possible.

I hope something you’ve read here gives your life more pleasure, love, presence, and joy.

I hope to learn from you for the rest of my life.

#DeepTakes

We need to stop shaming small dicks. OK this was meant to be anonymous cos I don't want to be slut shamed ... 

But I can't create a second anon account right now, looks like that anon account is just going to the wait list. And I care about this topic and I like what I have to say about it so I'm going to go ahead and share even though I risk attracting condemnation (that relates to a whole other hot take that I'll set aside for now).

So here's my #deeptake on the hot take that we should stop shaming small dicks:

Am I the only one who winces with a vicarious ouch every time a woman casually insists that a big penis belongs on her list of essential criteria for a good man - like in this great example: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JjqvY7Gdp1A)

That’s how I was going to begin this piece. Then I looked in the mirror and admitted that it would be more accurate (and more honest) to start with: I know I’m not the only one who feels this way.

I know this because of the talking-to a friend gave me a few years ago when I conspiratorially spilled on a perfect new love interest whose only flaw was that his dick was on the smallish side.

When she started to object, I pleaded for understanding. I can’t help my tastes and preferences! This was just how I was born! I’d had enough experience to know what I needed!

I am ashamed to admit that I went so far as to suggest that if we progressed in our relationship, I could at some point maybe ask him to wear a strap-on. I think that was the point at which my friend-worthiness was forever punctured in my her eyes. She was legitimately horrified, and confronted me with the possibility that it might just be me who was anatomically challenged!

And she was right - I was the one with the problem. I’m still smarting as I write this - not from my own body shame, but from reliving the moment where I had to face my callous and miscalibrated treatment of my would-be lover and of men collectively.

One of the things that hurts most is how I ignored the uneasy stab in my heart every time I indulged in this offhand mass-bullying. I always knew, in a palpable way, this was wrong. Every time I singled out penis size when celebrating one of my sexual adventures. Every time I laughed sympathetically when a friend proclaimed a preference for bigger penises or dismissed a smaller one. My inner voice always whispered to me - how do you think men feel about this? What’s it like to have your worthiness as a partner be diminished to a feature you are powerless to change? What’s it like to be the butt of an enduring in-joke, to risk silent ridicule every time you want to share the joy of sex with someone?

Even with my difficulty handling some bigger penises. Even experiencing the deep bliss of my encounters with average-sized penises. Even receiving the liberating possibilities that opened up with smaller penises. None of these facts penetrated my collusion with what now seems like an obvious and incredibly harmful mass psychosis.

HOW is this still normal?! The closest I have come to understanding the roots of my own behaviour is that I was under-developed, not confident and embodied enough yet in my own sexuality to really claim the truth of my own experience.

What’s true for me, actually, is that every penis I’ve been honoured to meet feels like a blessing.

As I have matured and found the capacity to recognise and cherish this, some of my most extraordinary and ecstatically transformative sexual experiences have in fact involved a pretty small penis! I think penis size was actually an irrelevant albeit happily coincidental feature in this case - a feature which finally crumbled any residue of the myth that small dicks are bad and bigger is better.

My prayer is that more and more of us are liberated from this myth. I’m pretty sure we don’t need it to fuel this kind of creative brilliance (which I opened with, but here it is again: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JjqvY7Gdp1A). And we’ll probably all have way more extraordinary and ecstatically transformative sex without it. That’s what I really want.

You’re doing sex wrong: What I wish everyone knew about the emotional presence, physical skill, and energetic magnitude of blissful, fulfilling sex. Emotional Presence

Orgasm is a paltry goal

Orgasms aren’t always a clear yes-or-no thing for me. There’s an ever-growing range of pleasurable experiences that I call “orgasm,” and the one I’m certain would be widely agreed upon as an orgasm is the least pleasurable one for me (it’s still very pleasurable, but it's last on my list.)

Here are some examples of wonderful aims to have in sex. None of these require orgasm; all of these could include orgasm as a delicious side-effect.

• Feeling more connected to each other

• Co-regulation

• Joy and play

• Exploration and discovery

• Prayer, awe, and communion with the divine

• Experiencing enjoyable sensations

• Embracing the present moment

• Basking in beauty

Sex as embodied emotions

Making love, sex, and fucking are three different things for me that are also able to coexist.

Making love is embodied emotions intertwining.

Sex is a physical act.

Fucking is carnal enactments of our animal beings.

All three (and any combination) are more wonderful, and more vulnerable, when everyone involved is present in their bodies and emotions. When I’m embodied during physical intimacy, I’m likely to cry, to admit I feel self-conscious or inadequate, to pursue repressed cravings, to discover I’m not who I thought I was, to feel overwhelmed with love, to feel helplessly swept away by sensation…

I was in my 30’s the first time I had intimacy where we were both fully embodied and emotionally present with each other. Since then, I’ve had basically no interest in sex that isn’t borne of emotions. 

Say your love

We’re used to saying “I love you,” and “Thank you for…” but it’s very rare for people to say their love.

It’s impossible to say why I love someone. The love itself seems to just happen, regardless of anything. But I can describe what loving them is like. And I can name things I love about them.

“When someone says you’re awesome, it feels like they’ve also just told me I’m awesome. They see what I see about you.”

“It feels like you celebrate me for exactly who I am, and that you’re already celebrating anything I will discover about myself.”

“I admire the responsibilities you choose to take on.”

It started with a dear friend. We’d hit a rough patch, and when we talked it through I learned that it’s incredibly helpful for her when I say what I love about her. I’d always noticed those things, so it was just a matter of remembering to say them out loud. 

It was like magic to our friendship, the bond turned from string to rope.

A few months later I added the practice into another very close friendship. It was instantaneously generative, I was blown away. That experience has been so rewarding that I didn’t even realize I was starting to do it with everyone. Unexpectedly, it has started to come back to me. I noticed because love started coming from different people than the ones I had been saying my love to, seemingly out of nowhere.

“I don’t know of anyone better at building community than you. The group wouldn’t be what it is without you.”

“You don’t seem to be doing personal growth from wanting to fix or change yourself at all. It feels so good to be around.”

It’s a beautiful practice because you consistently draw your attention to where your love connects to the words that come out of your mouth. It’s a beautiful practice because intimacy instantly increases when you say your love, even if they have trouble really taking it in, because you’re more in tune with why they matter to you and to your gratitude for having them in your life.

Physical Skill

Your body

Integrate your body sensations.

The next time you’re massaging a sore muscle, notice whether you feel an invisible boundary when your hand goes near where massage therapists don’t go. Try expanding that boundary line while keeping the intention of massage instead of shifting to foreplay or masturbation.

The next time you’re experiencing sexual pleasure, notice whether you keep the sensations of pleasure confined to certain areas of your body. Try using your breath and your attention to share the pleasure with your whole body, your whole self.

Lips and kissing

Kissing is, for me, one of the most deeply intimate interactions of all. My lips are very sensitive, and to meet someone else’s lips feels like an electrical connection straight to our essences.

Where is your attention when you kiss? Maybe it’s mental, an expression of care. Maybe it’s habitual, a ritual of attachment. Maybe it’s goal-oriented, a first step toward sex. 

Next time, before you kiss, feel your lips. Let the nerve endings come alive and start to tingle. Feel the sensations of smiling, of your lips touching each other, of your tongue wetting your lips and the air brushing the wetness. Approach your partner’s lips slowly, and sense the excitement of increasing closeness building in your chest. Pause before your lips are touching, and swim in your longing. Imagine how their lips will feel to your sensitized skin. Kiss from discovery, your lips finding theirs. Explore sensations. Feel your turn-on.

When I do this with a partner who is compatibly oriented, my body responds intensely. I have uncontrollable contractions. This is one of the sensations I choose to call orgasm, and this one is very high on my pleasure list.

The cervix

Women hold tension in their cervix. The cervix can be as soft and supple as a cloud, or as hard as a rock, and everywhere in-between. When there is a lot of tension in the cervix, no amount of foreplay will calm her enough for her to be able to feel her own turn-on, and penetration will be painful. Imagine the fiercest muscle knot you’ve ever had, then imagine someone banging repeatedly on that muscle knot with a hammer. It’s just like that.

The tension in the cervix can be released with tender, patient, attuned cervical massage. She may have a lifetime’s worth of pain and anxiety held there. Be prepared for her to cry. A lot. Be prepared to stop and hold her while she sobs. Be prepared for this practice to be something you have to return to over and over for weeks or months. The benefits of cervical massage can be out of this world. 

When my cervix is soft, it’s impossible to remember what want or resentment feel like. When my cervix is soft, it’s easy to feel turn-on, joy, forgiveness, and bliss.

The penis

Imagine orienting to sex from the perspective of an emotional and energetic experience instead of from the perspective of a physical act. Concepts of size or hardness don’t make sense from this perspective.

It’s common in tantra to call the penis the “wand of light.” The power isn’t based on the shape or density of the wand, the power is in the intensity and clarity of the light.

When I feel love for him and our connection is well-tended, his penis feels amazing, even if it’s an uncommon shape. When I trust him and feel safe to release any vigilance, his penis feels amazing, even if it’s small. When his heart is penetrating mine through his eyes, his penis feels amazing, even if it’s soft. When he is fully embodied in himself and is rooted in experiencing his pleasure with me, his penis feels amazing, even if it’s not inside me.

Energetic Magnitude

Sex doesn’t require nudity or touch

Not long ago, I landed in sustained silent eye contact with a former partner. I felt locked in, like a tractor beam, and I liked it, even though it was intimidating. I surrendered to the experience. I let go of the need to think thoughts. I let go of what other people might think of us. I let go of the need to understand anything at all. I let all of my attention drop into the electric, spacious experience of our connection. After some minutes (I had also released my sense of time) I had what seemed like a flashback to one of the times we’d had sex. As I stayed in the experience, it became clear that it wasn’t actually a flashback, it was a present experience. I was fully clothed, across the room from him, completely still except for breathing, and I was fully immersed in energetic union.

Experiment with consensual energetic lovemaking. Rest into eye contact. Receive the ecstasy of that person’s attention on you. Share the euphoria throughout your body and let it wake every nerve ending. Feel the fact that your clothes and the air are already caressing your skin. Notice that you’re already being penetrated by air with each inhale. Imagine your pleasure being able to glow out of you to warm and nourish your partner.

If you become able to fully do this while also physically making love, prepare to feel wrapped in divine bliss.

Embodiment

Years ago, I was having sex with my then-boyfriend, and his penis kept feeling like it was changing size. Dramatically. It didn’t feel like it was getting softer or harder, it felt like it was ranging from nothing to almost more than I could take. It was fascinating. Without explanation, when I felt the size change I said a number for what size his penis felt, from zero to 100. 

During the post-coital cuddle, he said, “I don’t know how you did that thing with the numbers. Every number was completely accurate of how dissociated I felt.” We talked it through, both of us amazed, that I said low numbers when he felt very dissociated, and I said high numbers when he felt very embodied.

Embodiment during physical intimacy is no small ask. You’ll be aware of everything you’re self-conscious about, everything you hide, everything you believe isn’t loveable in yourself. You will have to learn to believe all of you is loveable to fully embody the being they’re making love to. It’s a practice, and it may take a long time. Be gentle with yourself, and give yourself endless grace for the journey.

I hope that I’ve only just begun discovering what’s possible.

I hope something you’ve read here gives your life more pleasure, love, presence, and joy.

I hope to learn from you for the rest of my life.

#DeepTakes

Erotic energy is often not about sex.
I think it is mostly an impulse to create something together. I don’t have a good model for the causal mechanism of how it works, but I think that attraction essentially hints at a specific potential between the two parties. Sex and “baby” is the creation-potential only a tiny fraction of the time.

Here are some of the many alternative creation-potentials, in no particular order. Would love to hear what else y’all notice, as this is not an attempt at an exhaustive list:

• A project for you to create together

  • as small as a party and as big as an organization

• An emotional gift one of you has for the other

  • eg: a piece of advice, sharing of life experience, an introduction to someone important

  • Similarly, information share—eg: a mutual friend needs to be taken care of 

• A quality or characteristic for you to integrate/embody more: The classic projection of a “golden shadow”

  •  Eg: “She’s so strong” because I’m not claiming my strength, or “he’s so smart” because I’m not comfortable admitting my own intelligence 

• A psychodynamic transformation (aka "healing")

  • Eg: you projecting your mom/dad stuff onto each other can be seen as a beautiful chance to make it conscious so you can be more present and available in all your relationships

• A different kind of relationship: Ongoing friendship, mentorship, employment, or some other awesome/potent relationship

• A chance to see what you’re avoiding in other relationships. This is the classic where someone cheats rather than deal with stuff at home.

---

You meet someone new and feel that sudden frisson of erotic excitement. That’s a crush—must be romantic love, right? We’ve watched it happen so many times in ourselves, our community, our movies and books, that it’s almost taken for granted. But I think as soon as I point out the alternatives, they seem obvious too. I wonder if there are other media and cultural narratives to help support more awareness of the alternative? I feel like this would help people be more open to different kinds of love, different kinds of relationships, and suffer a lot less. I feel like this awareness has done so for me, at least.

Hat Tip to Ken Wilber, where I first heard of using the word “eros” as the creative impulse of the universe driving to more novelty.

Erotic energy is often not about sex.
I think it is mostly an impulse to create something together. I don’t have a good model for the causal mechanism of how it works, but I think that attraction essentially hints at a specific potential between the two parties. Sex and “baby” is the creation-potential only a tiny fraction of the time.

Here are some of the many alternative creation-potentials, in no particular order. Would love to hear what else y’all notice, as this is not an attempt at an exhaustive list:

• A project for you to create together

  • as small as a party and as big as an organization

• An emotional gift one of you has for the other

  • eg: a piece of advice, sharing of life experience, an introduction to someone important

  • Similarly, information share—eg: a mutual friend needs to be taken care of 

• A quality or characteristic for you to integrate/embody more: The classic projection of a “golden shadow”

  •  Eg: “She’s so strong” because I’m not claiming my strength, or “he’s so smart” because I’m not comfortable admitting my own intelligence 

• A psychodynamic transformation (aka "healing")

  • Eg: you projecting your mom/dad stuff onto each other can be seen as a beautiful chance to make it conscious so you can be more present and available in all your relationships

• A different kind of relationship: Ongoing friendship, mentorship, employment, or some other awesome/potent relationship

• A chance to see what you’re avoiding in other relationships. This is the classic where someone cheats rather than deal with stuff at home.

---

You meet someone new and feel that sudden frisson of erotic excitement. That’s a crush—must be romantic love, right? We’ve watched it happen so many times in ourselves, our community, our movies and books, that it’s almost taken for granted. But I think as soon as I point out the alternatives, they seem obvious too. I wonder if there are other media and cultural narratives to help support more awareness of the alternative? I feel like this would help people be more open to different kinds of love, different kinds of relationships, and suffer a lot less. I feel like this awareness has done so for me, at least.

Hat Tip to Ken Wilber, where I first heard of using the word “eros” as the creative impulse of the universe driving to more novelty.

What do you think are the biggest planetary potentials? I want to think of it in a bunch of ways, but one is through the lens of things we want to improve, eg:

1) What are the biggest problems/threats/embarrassments? and another is

2) What are the greatest potentials? I'll post some examples in the comments

Premature Ejaculator? Try edging! I’ve gotten into some conversations lately with heterosexuals and How do I not prematurely ejaculate? has come up a lot.

I never really thought about this how because from a young age I used the when you get close to cumming and it’s too early, use the grandma visualization. Grandma meaning: someone/something I don’t want to have sex with. Pick a different word if you want to boink your nana.

This kinda got me over the hump and I never had problems but recently I filmed a scene with a tantra teacher who gave me a crash course in edging. Edging is a masturbation practice where a scale of 1-10 is used. 10 means I’m going to blow no matter what. 9 is I’m going to blow if the status quo remains. 8 is I can sense myself getting close. 1 is I’m not really horny.

This tantra teacher ejaculated multiple times in the span of 90 minutes (5 or so?). He also had a few orgasms where he didn’t ejaculate. He said it was the result of edging training. Those further heights stimulated my interest.

Key points:
1. Jerk off as much as you want.
2. Decide whether you’re going to shoot before you start.
3. Imagine the possibility that all the energy generated somehow stores in your sexiness when you don’t cum (the teacher edges to get ready for things like social events or even sex.)
4. Get as close to 9.5 as you can get without shooting.
5. The practice of building it up is equally important to the practice of not hitting 10.

I spent about a week on it and it was really clicking and enjoyable, porn or no porn.

Then I had the idea of trying it during sex instead of masturbation.

Key point:

I told my boyfriend.

I told him because he REALLY likes when I cum inside of him and our healthy codependency on that was it was a sign of connection for me to nut in him.

I said, I’m practicing this thing. I hope you like it. You can support me in it by staying completely still when I say, hold still.

If he wiggles or flexes his anal muscles it can take my 9 to 10.

The first time we did it, as I got to 9, my cock was kinda dry heaving but not shooting, maybe just a drop or two came out AND he actually thought the sensation of my cock pulsating inside him was hotter. Now I probably hit 9.5 a few times each session. We still always finish with a 10 but because of all the cardio that last build up is crazy vigorous so he gets a really intense ride out of it.

I think straight guys who tell their ladies they’re trying this are in for a treat. Sex has co-vulnerabilities. For the receiver, at least when I’m receiving, I want to be simultaneously objectified and subjectified. I want to be a hot person who’s loved. For the penetrator, at least for me, if I’m not high enough on the scale, say 5 or 6, I’ll lose my erection. If I go too high too fast I’ll blow my load too soon.

It seems REALLY hard to hold these vulnerabilities in consciousness. I think edging while fucking addresses all these issues in a very collaborative and fun way.

The first time I described it to a couple and asked the woman if she was ok if he tried it, she responded with a sly joy and said, Sounds fun to me. <3

Happy fucking!

Premature Ejaculator? Try edging! I’ve gotten into some conversations lately with heterosexuals and How do I not prematurely ejaculate? has come up a lot.

I never really thought about this how because from a young age I used the when you get close to cumming and it’s too early, use the grandma visualization. Grandma meaning: someone/something I don’t want to have sex with. Pick a different word if you want to boink your nana.

This kinda got me over the hump and I never had problems but recently I filmed a scene with a tantra teacher who gave me a crash course in edging. Edging is a masturbation practice where a scale of 1-10 is used. 10 means I’m going to blow no matter what. 9 is I’m going to blow if the status quo remains. 8 is I can sense myself getting close. 1 is I’m not really horny.

This tantra teacher ejaculated multiple times in the span of 90 minutes (5 or so?). He also had a few orgasms where he didn’t ejaculate. He said it was the result of edging training. Those further heights stimulated my interest.

Key points:
1. Jerk off as much as you want.
2. Decide whether you’re going to shoot before you start.
3. Imagine the possibility that all the energy generated somehow stores in your sexiness when you don’t cum (the teacher edges to get ready for things like social events or even sex.)
4. Get as close to 9.5 as you can get without shooting.
5. The practice of building it up is equally important to the practice of not hitting 10.

I spent about a week on it and it was really clicking and enjoyable, porn or no porn.

Then I had the idea of trying it during sex instead of masturbation.

Key point:

I told my boyfriend.

I told him because he REALLY likes when I cum inside of him and our healthy codependency on that was it was a sign of connection for me to nut in him.

I said, I’m practicing this thing. I hope you like it. You can support me in it by staying completely still when I say, hold still.

If he wiggles or flexes his anal muscles it can take my 9 to 10.

The first time we did it, as I got to 9, my cock was kinda dry heaving but not shooting, maybe just a drop or two came out AND he actually thought the sensation of my cock pulsating inside him was hotter. Now I probably hit 9.5 a few times each session. We still always finish with a 10 but because of all the cardio that last build up is crazy vigorous so he gets a really intense ride out of it.

I think straight guys who tell their ladies they’re trying this are in for a treat. Sex has co-vulnerabilities. For the receiver, at least when I’m receiving, I want to be simultaneously objectified and subjectified. I want to be a hot person who’s loved. For the penetrator, at least for me, if I’m not high enough on the scale, say 5 or 6, I’ll lose my erection. If I go too high too fast I’ll blow my load too soon.

It seems REALLY hard to hold these vulnerabilities in consciousness. I think edging while fucking addresses all these issues in a very collaborative and fun way.

The first time I described it to a couple and asked the woman if she was ok if he tried it, she responded with a sly joy and said, Sounds fun to me. <3

Happy fucking!