Every Day
Being invited into a daily practice. Dives me into inquiry of my old tired slogan "i never do anything every day" Which is OBVIOUSLY not true, as my heart is still beating and my breathe is still breathing, eating, drinking, etc... but is it true in this life, to have not ever done anything with conscious volition every day?
So saying yes to the ask to contribute, comment, write every day on Uptrusting, was a big yes, and it's day 3 and this is only my second contribution.
Instead of sitting in my guilt soup and running away in shame to further buying into my "i never do anything every day" - i'm not giving up, but instead here I am writing about it.
Writing about this notion, of a personal slogun (wow love to dive deep into that word origin: SLO GUN). Who have known myself to be is a person who thrives on: Not doing anything every day. Not taking vitamins every day, not being able to use birth control (back in the day) cuz it's needed every day. Almost going crazy attempting well butrin because didn't take it every day. If in a controlled environment like a retreat/training, will do what is asked of me every day, like on the few vipassana 10 day silent retreats was absolutely able for 10 days to do something every day...BUT IN REAL LIFE??? Wait a second the first few years of circle anywhere, pretty much did a session EVERY DAY! Breaking down the slo gun, as i have done some things every day!
Nevertheless, there is a big BLOCK to daily habits: this big value of FREEDOM that has become a run away train.
Perhaps, Freedom has been getting in the way of developing stronger habits - even the kind that could lead to actual more freedom!!! Sitting in this inquiry now, could lead to a deeper type of freedom beyond tasks, and also it would be nice to brush my teeth every day. (tmi?)
So this is garbled nonsense, self reflecting the desire to change. The deep blocks to a simple ask for 3 weeks of daily participation, which is a HELL YA - 100% in. But already missed the second day. Was not due to completely forgetting, planned all day to get to the laptop. Too many errands, but had pre-planned to write some comments as i was done driving, but then night comes, late relateful session, and big plan as soon as the session ends, reminding myself- do my uptrust daily habit, but next thing i know sleep called me away.
WHY CAN'T I do SOMETHING EVERY DAY? It scares me, it is a fear of becoming rote, stale, and permanently unchangeable.
There i said it. I fear not changing.
AND
Daily habits make you boring.
I have loved this wild untamed life of whimsical not sure where the wind will blow me next. Some call this a free spirit, but how free is my spirit if freedom has become my chains??
I welcome this challenge and will continue and hope tomorrow will be the beginning of a new slogun:
DAILY HABITS MAKE YOU DYNAMIC, CHANGEABLE and EXCITING!