self-reflection

The price of alignment is grief 💔 . Alignment demands the death of all unaligned realities. Finding the perfect job costs the one that’s good enough. Letting go of a partnership that isn’t quite right means mourning the future you imagined inhabiting together. Stopping a sport that you keep getting injured playing means realizing that joy is no longer available to you, and maybe hasn’t been for a while.

Many times we’re grieving not only the future dreams that won’t come to be, the present attachments that we’re releasing back to the void, but the past we now see was based on tolerating experiences rather than courageously pursuing the greatest good.

Yes, this grief is all based on stories made up in the mind. Even the idea of opportunity cost—what you could have been doing if you had realized this sooner, demands this moment’s realization, which only comes as a result of all the mistakes. That’s what learning is. You don’t walk without taking falls.

But that doesn’t make the grief any less real. Our thoughts are real. Our stories make life meaningful. We must be willing to grieve these in order to open to the possibility of new versions of ourselves, and therefore allow our lives to change. 

And I’ve never known grief that wasn’t built out of love. Grief is a gift that shows us our heart.

#TTT 

What are your secret internal moves, your cues? I'm eternally curious about how we navigate our worlds, and the tricks, jumps, hops, and skips we use.

Sports coaches have cues for all kinds of things. "Follow through" in golf, tennis, and throwing generally. "Chest up, hips back, knees out" for a back squat. "Light feet" or "quick feet" for agility training. 

These cues aren't attempting to be accurate descriptions of the world from a physics point of view. They're an attitude/orientation that helps a human do a thing a little better.

My contention: we each are an entire compendium of little skill orientations that we use all the time. But because they're second nature and interior, they're funcionally invisible and don't often get shared or talked about.

Wouldn't it be neat if we talked about them?

Some examples from me:

• "Can I do this with less effort?" Physically, this applies to anything. Sitting, pooping, walking, standing, reading. It's an immediate invitation into my body and more relaxation. There is often habitual extraneous muscular/mental/emotional tension in the system.
• If I'm feeling small, stuck, contracted, tense – it can often help to "get as big as the room". It's not something to really think about or analyze too much. Just… become as big as the room. When I do so, there's often more space for the knotted stuff to just be and/or move. This also works great even when things are good.
• I don't have a convenient handle for this one, but it's something like: "fall into wonder as you observe (from within) your body just doing simple things". Doing the dishes or making coffee could be a chore – or I can switch into looking through this lens and just be astonished at how intricate and skillful the dance of it all is. There's no way I could thinkmanage it all, and yet somehow it all happens anyway.

So what are your cues? Nothing is too simple, silly, or obvious.

It can be difficult to find what you don't expect. Today, a friend shared an IG post reminding me of my 'egg hunt' in London last year.

My wife and I were grocery shopping and couldn't find the eggs. This corner store had everything else... milk, deli meat, bread, cheese, prepared sandwiches, and much more. We walked up and down the refrigerated aisles, inspecting the shelves, thinking we had missed them. 

Finally, we asked a store attendant if they had eggs. He said, 'Sure,' and pointed toward the lower shelves. I looked where he was pointing and still didn't see the eggs! Well, the eggs were right where he pointed...cartons and cartons of them... on a shelf that wasn't refrigerated. I realized that it took some time for me to see the eggs because I wasn't expecting them to be there stocked right under the sugar. In the U.S., eggs are refrigerated so we can usually find them next to the milk and other dairy products.  

Isn’t it interesting how much our habits shape what we see, and what we miss?

In case you're interested... the IG post shared:

"In the US, eggs are washed and sanitized, stripping away a natural protective layer that keeps bacteria out. That’s why American eggs have to be chilled from farm to fridge. Across the pond, washing eggs is illegal. British and European farms vaccinate hens against Salmonella and leave that natural coating intact, which means eggs can safely sit at room temperature. Two different food safety philosophies, one goal: keeping you healthy."

"You can't not-have-resentment," they tell me.
"You must have conflict. You must process resentment, or else you're bypassing."

Right on the first count, wrong on the rest.

You can't not-have-resentment. But only because not-having things isn't a thing.
In order to not-have resentment I have my hands full HAVING something else.

If you are tired of managing and processing resentment and would like to simply not-have it, pick something else. Pick something specific, some other relational stance or tone, other than a resentful one.

Resentment is a tone that radiates from the entire body. It is the shadow of Having: Burden.

Resentment is my way of looking upon all I have for the way it causes me problems and gives me more work to do, for the way it is a pain in my ass. I get to see my loved ones only in the context of me, I see how they behave around someone who's constantly irritated with them, critical of them, and overwhelmed by their existence. In my experience of resentment, those I love the most are the most irritating people to be around, I've signed up to have them around a lot, and I'm overwhelmed and overworked. Nobody's happy, and in lieu of that, I cling to how right I am with every muscle in my body clenched.

Ow. No thanks (she says, like someone who gave it up freely rather than having it wrenched brutally from her desperate grasp).

Devotion is what I Have instead, it's my way of looking upon all I have for the way it is ONLY HERE NOW FOR A LIMITED TIME, blessing me in particular. I get to see that there is only this now moment in which I might appreciate and enjoy my loved one, and I would not squander that for an opportunity to express irritation toward them; I'm too busy appreciating what is to even judge that something is going "wrong." I Have love now, I don't leave love to try to get love, I don't stay out of love believing there is some journey back to love. I Have devotion always, I have intimacy always, because I am in relationship to the now moment.

I don't process resentment OR bypass resentment. It doesn't come up because I Have something else.

Two sides to “codependency”: my taking on others + expecting others to take on me 🏗️. This was probably obvious to a lot of people; it’s all over the psychological literature but I missed it as it applies to my life, so I want to share it (and make it quick):

There are (at least) two sides to claiming more sovereignty—seeing through the belief that I’m responsible for other people’s well-being (savior), and seeing through the belief that other people are responsible for me and what I need (victim). Idk if it's just me and my projection, but I think we-space practices in general have some very sneaky ways and fancy language to demand that other people show up for them in a certain way.

#TTT 

"Mom Brain". I was aware before I got pregnant that the "Mom Brain" phenomenon (brain fog, forgetfulness, etc) often has its onset during pregnancy but it has been really fascinating to experience firsthand what this is like sensationally (?) and emotionally. The "Mom Brain" seems to be gradually more and more noticeable and apart from objectively catching myself in more goofy little mistakes I am also noticing the like funny ambiguous itchy feeling that translates into the verbal though "I feel like I'm forgetting something" is becoming more and more common for me. I am a pretty starkly type A person and I am surprised how confronted that part of my identity feels as I make trivial mistakes that feel "out of character" for me - this experience has been so rare for me that I feel really "caught" when it happens and I don't have a script, relationally with others or my self, for handling these brain farts 💨

silver lining: becoming a mother is obviously a huge transition that will entail the death and rebirth of many aspects of my identity - it can't hurt to be getting a taste of that process early on in the second trimester lol

I just noticed how the "no-self" doctrine supports the "materialist industrial epistemological complex". My friend Divia has coined this intense-but-great phrase "So “materialist epistemology industrial complex” is my own mental handle, and it might be silly but I like it for now.

I claim that there’s some memeset that launders legitimacy from “everything is made out of stuff in a refuctionistic way, seems like the laws of physics" 

And today I was noticing how the Buddhist doctrine of 'no-self' contributes to this whole way of thinking—

by denying that there's a self (claiming instead what we call a "self" are five aggregrates/skandas that interact in a way that seems selfy but doesn't actually constitute a real thing) this thinking can fall trap to leaving the so-called objective/external world pre-existent, out-there, reducing it to just physics.

—at least as its imported into the USA. And probably not how it is interpreted by deep Mahayana practitioners, for example, or people who have actually reached the nondual nirvana state advertised by the practice and that gave rise to the doctrine, who would experience this as a false duality and notice that whatever we normally think of a subject would need to be included/accounted for in/as the object.

Being Out of Sync in a Group Meeting. I was just in a meeting that I was leading where, almost every time I spoke, someone else spoke at the same time. The other person would continue speaking and I would stop. It was as if my timing was wrong; I was out of sync with the group. I imagine there were a number of things going on. One is that I was holding the list of topics to talk about as if we needed to get through all of them in the time we had, while the group wanted to savor and speak to each item at length. But it wasn’t just that. Within a topic, I was always bumping against someone else, timing wise. It felt awful. Any ideas or comments about this phenomena?

... No belief is true, no matter how popular or plausible

A Jhana rabbit hole. Someone on X/Twitter introduced me to a meditation retreat company called Jhourneys that focuses on helping people get into Jhana states. Apparently there are different stages of Jhana. People describe them as states of euphoria, bliss, joy, and contentment that stay with you and some have shared that they have more capacity to be with the harder more challenging aspects of everyday life.

Any one have any experience with Jhanas?

Last night I listened a podcast featuring a guest who has been experiencing these states since the early 80s. (https://jhourney.transistor.fm/episodes/being-happier-than-you-ever-realized-for-no-apparent-reason-leigh-brasington) The energetic transmission was profound.

I’m really curious to learn more.

It's too intimidating for men to be men. Alright, here’s one of my most controversial opinions, and I’m gonna try to take the filter off as much as possible:

Feminism has played out as retribution instead of solution. The Barbie movie is an entirely thorough example of what I’m talking about. You suppressed us, so we’re gonna use any means necessary to take over. And then they recreated the same imbalance in its opposite.

I see most social movements do this too. True solutions to imbalances aren’t fair because they don’t have human-enacted payback. You suppressed us, so we’re going to move toward balance.

I’ve been spending about 2 years trying to set aside my learned default into my masculine energy (having grown up in highly feminist orange/green) and learn how to root in my feminine. But my feminine longs for a tether to something rooted. Masculine energy feels rooted, solid, grounded, and my feminine very much doesn’t (though it is held by a spacious ok-ness, but it’s so airy it easily gets chaotic when not balanced in connection with a grounded masculine.)

But I’ve had a hell of a time finding grounded healthy masculine men. Many of them can do it for a time, but then flee to an extreme, like angry resentment at one end and non-binary softness at the other end. And I think it’s because the culture has become super aggressive to men who are solidly men.

Who should date me? I get really pumped about what can be possible for online dating in UpTrust.

For example, someone having high current trust scores from a majority of his exes.

Or me going through all my single friends who are the gender I date and posting on their Dating Recommendations tree posts like I adore him as a friend and would totally want to date him if we wanted the same lifestyle! He gives the best hugs and is someone whose opinion I value highly when I make major decisions. I’d like to see him with a woman who embraces spirituality and likes throwing Superbowl parties.

So here’s my personal test-drive. Feel free to populate this tree with your opinions on my dating life, recommendations, questions, etc. <3

Trump is now…. ..officially a convicted criminal. And he’s still going to run. And he’s probably still going to win.

I’m not quite sure what that says about the state of democracy, the Biden administration, the US and/or our world.

But it strikes me as so utterly absurd, it’s actually kinda hilarious.

I remember 8 years ago, I was so appalled when Trump got elected, it seemed like the end of the world.

But the world didn’t end. And it might be my heartbroken disappointment with Biden’s warmongering-while-virtue-signaling administration or the fact that whoever’s actually in control of the Democratic party seems to just not give a fuck and is willing to run him again when he seems at least half-senile, but this time around I’m like, yeah, OK, Trump again. Fine. Bring it on.

(Insert gif of person eating popcorn ).

Some Thoughts on Boundaries. Boundaries are mine. My portals to connection. They’re statements of fact: “whoops, I’m sorry, it turns out I can’t love from here anymore.”

The purest form doesn’t require anyone else to uphold. I can say “no” to a party I don’t want to go to. I can turn off my phone at bedtime. Asking someone not to interrupt me or not answering emails after work can feel a little trickier to uphold, because I have to be willing to walk away.

There are a bunch of socially agreed upon boundaries that are upheld by law enforcement, like cease and desists or restraining orders. It’s often not simple—in Texas I have a right to refuse anyone setting foot on my property (but what about racism, when my property is a business?).

There are some thoughts for now...

id like to learn more about juneteenth. can you guys share it?