AMA with Hannah Aline Taylor. Wednesday 2/4 at 4:00 PM CT

love, boundaries, and mistakes in relating, community, and peopling together (+ thank god love doesn’t look like you expect it to)

Why I keep forgetting that exercise feels amazing. This could just as easily live in my journal, but in my favorite version of reality a lot of things get added in the comments, and this lives as a resource for everyone and for me the next time I forget that exercise feels amazing.

The culture I was aware of as a kid: 

• Athletes go to gyms. The only other people that go to gyms are vain people, and they only go because they care about having an impressive appearance.
• Exercise is hard and painful. If it's not kicking you're ass, you're lazy.
• I loved playing soccer all through childhood. When I started Junior High I tried out for the soccer team. I was the best player at tryouts- scored the most goals, saved the most goals, had the most steals. But I didn't make the team because I wasn't competitive enough. On the last day of tryouts I gave goals to girls who seemed like their self-esteem was getting battered by their failure to get a goal.

My initial influences in adulthood:

• In undergrad I was required to take dance class all 4 years. The dance teacher's job was to prepare us for Broadway dance auditions, which are usually "cattle calls" of hundreds of people auditioning for one spot. So you had to be the best, the sharpest, the fastest to learn the choreography, the fastest to get into position. These classes were the first time in my life I learned what "getting into shape" meant. He spent the entire first semester of freshman year teaching us what the names of our muscles were by spending an entire 90-minute session going ham on that muscle. Freshmen voice majors at Carnegie Mellon limped around campus and yelped trying to pick up their backpacks. I wasn't taught about warm ups, cool downs, or how to navigate muscle soreness. I was expected to be capable of at least two versions of the splits by the end of my first semester of college, so I spent hours doing homework in very uncomfortable body positions.
• In my thirties I worked with personal trainers three times. I didn't know this at the time, but I've since learned from a friend who is a health coach that most people come to a personal training session and give about 40% effort, so most trainers get in the habit of pushing and pushing them to harder things in the hopes the client gets to 75 or 80%. My trainers and I didn't know that because of my dance training I was showing up giving 110%. So they pushed me the way they pushed all of their clients. And I did everything in my power to be obedient to what they were telling me to do. It took me 8 years to realize that what I had been calling "pushing my edge" had actually been the cusp of a panic attack because my heart rate was way too high and I was pushing strength training to the point of risking injury.

New updates to my experiences and beliefs about exercise:

• Thanks largely to my health coach friend, a wise ex-boyfriend, and resources from Dr. Stacey Sims, I finally was able to believe them that not only doesn't exercise have to be painful, the cortisol, muscle soreness, etc. caused from pushing create more problems than the workouts solve. And when exercise sucks it's wildly de-motivating and unsustainable.
• I've learned through countless failed attempts and Dr. Sims that any workout plan that doesn't take my menstrual cycle into account is doomed from the start. I learned that in the days before my bleed my body takes all of the tissue-rebuilding ingredients away from things like muscle repair and diverts it all to building the uterine lining. So strength training during this time results in a week of relentless pain and soreness. I've learned that during my follicular phase I'm a literal superhero. Live it up while I can, but for god's sake do not set that as my new standard to build on top of because the cycle is going to loop back again. I've learned that women have about 30% the glycogen stores in their muscles as men, so keto and fasted workouts are a distaster. I literally need to have eaten carbs before workouts to have any legitamite fuel to work with.
• I've had fits and starts of working out, but then I'd start listening to some damn exercise podcast, fall into my old mindset of "pushing for gains," and the habit would collapse.

New intentional mindsets:

I'm a week into returning to exercise, and so far everything about it is wildly different than before. I consistently feel the tug back toward my old mindsets, but I'm practicing reminding myself of these things over and over and over.

• Do classes, but relinquish obedience. The classes are great for me because a very knowledgable person has crafted something great without my having to expend any mental energy at all. But the key is that I stay connected with my body and be always willing to disobey the instructor in favor of what my body needs.
• Start slow and easy. What I want most if for exercise to become a favorite part of my lifestyle for the rest of my life. I've been mostly going to "Restorative" classes that are passive yoga stretches in a structure designed to regulate the nervous system. Nothing's hard, nothing hurts, and I leave feeling wonderful. This is SO effective at making me look forward to getting in the car and driving to the gym the next day.
• Pride can be a great energy source. It does seem to be part of my true nature that I would like other people in the class to be impressed with me. I want to be impressed with me. I'm intentionally relinquishing the lifelong energy source of "I want to get thin and hot" and replacing it with "I wanna leave here feeling impressed with myself."
• Two mindsets I picked up from Arun, "I like being a regular" and "third place," had me choose Austin Bouldering Project as my gym. It's just fucking cool, and very attractive people are everywhere. I like the thought of becoming a regular there. A lot. People knowing my name, new friendships, maybe even finding a romantic partner who likes going to the same gym together. And third place is based on home being the first place and work being the second place. I love the midset of choosing ABP as my third place. I bring my laptop and co-work upstairs after working out. I chill in the sauna.

These are all such different mindset orientations than I've ever had before, and I hope writing this helps me remember that when I do it wisely from the right mindsets, exercise and going to the gym feels friggin amazing.

The best compliiment from a 3 year old. I was searching my FB profile feed for something and came across a post (from 2023) about the best compliment I received from my 3-year-old grandson.

"Nat, you're really good at being silly!" 

Why I keep forgetting that exercise feels amazing. This could just as easily live in my journal, but in my favorite version of reality a lot of things get added in the comments, and this lives as a resource for everyone and for me the next time I forget that exercise feels amazing.

The culture I was aware of as a kid: 

• Athletes go to gyms. The only other people that go to gyms are vain people, and they only go because they care about having an impressive appearance.
• Exercise is hard and painful. If it's not kicking you're ass, you're lazy.
• I loved playing soccer all through childhood. When I started Junior High I tried out for the soccer team. I was the best player at tryouts- scored the most goals, saved the most goals, had the most steals. But I didn't make the team because I wasn't competitive enough. On the last day of tryouts I gave goals to girls who seemed like their self-esteem was getting battered by their failure to get a goal.

My initial influences in adulthood:

• In undergrad I was required to take dance class all 4 years. The dance teacher's job was to prepare us for Broadway dance auditions, which are usually "cattle calls" of hundreds of people auditioning for one spot. So you had to be the best, the sharpest, the fastest to learn the choreography, the fastest to get into position. These classes were the first time in my life I learned what "getting into shape" meant. He spent the entire first semester of freshman year teaching us what the names of our muscles were by spending an entire 90-minute session going ham on that muscle. Freshmen voice majors at Carnegie Mellon limped around campus and yelped trying to pick up their backpacks. I wasn't taught about warm ups, cool downs, or how to navigate muscle soreness. I was expected to be capable of at least two versions of the splits by the end of my first semester of college, so I spent hours doing homework in very uncomfortable body positions.
• In my thirties I worked with personal trainers three times. I didn't know this at the time, but I've since learned from a friend who is a health coach that most people come to a personal training session and give about 40% effort, so most trainers get in the habit of pushing and pushing them to harder things in the hopes the client gets to 75 or 80%. My trainers and I didn't know that because of my dance training I was showing up giving 110%. So they pushed me the way they pushed all of their clients. And I did everything in my power to be obedient to what they were telling me to do. It took me 8 years to realize that what I had been calling "pushing my edge" had actually been the cusp of a panic attack because my heart rate was way too high and I was pushing strength training to the point of risking injury.

New updates to my experiences and beliefs about exercise:

• Thanks largely to my health coach friend, a wise ex-boyfriend, and resources from Dr. Stacey Sims, I finally was able to believe them that not only doesn't exercise have to be painful, the cortisol, muscle soreness, etc. caused from pushing create more problems than the workouts solve. And when exercise sucks it's wildly de-motivating and unsustainable.
• I've learned through countless failed attempts and Dr. Sims that any workout plan that doesn't take my menstrual cycle into account is doomed from the start. I learned that in the days before my bleed my body takes all of the tissue-rebuilding ingredients away from things like muscle repair and diverts it all to building the uterine lining. So strength training during this time results in a week of relentless pain and soreness. I've learned that during my follicular phase I'm a literal superhero. Live it up while I can, but for god's sake do not set that as my new standard to build on top of because the cycle is going to loop back again. I've learned that women have about 30% the glycogen stores in their muscles as men, so keto and fasted workouts are a distaster. I literally need to have eaten carbs before workouts to have any legitamite fuel to work with.
• I've had fits and starts of working out, but then I'd start listening to some damn exercise podcast, fall into my old mindset of "pushing for gains," and the habit would collapse.

New intentional mindsets:

I'm a week into returning to exercise, and so far everything about it is wildly different than before. I consistently feel the tug back toward my old mindsets, but I'm practicing reminding myself of these things over and over and over.

• Do classes, but relinquish obedience. The classes are great for me because a very knowledgable person has crafted something great without my having to expend any mental energy at all. But the key is that I stay connected with my body and be always willing to disobey the instructor in favor of what my body needs.
• Start slow and easy. What I want most if for exercise to become a favorite part of my lifestyle for the rest of my life. I've been mostly going to "Restorative" classes that are passive yoga stretches in a structure designed to regulate the nervous system. Nothing's hard, nothing hurts, and I leave feeling wonderful. This is SO effective at making me look forward to getting in the car and driving to the gym the next day.
• Pride can be a great energy source. It does seem to be part of my true nature that I would like other people in the class to be impressed with me. I want to be impressed with me. I'm intentionally relinquishing the lifelong energy source of "I want to get thin and hot" and replacing it with "I wanna leave here feeling impressed with myself."
• Two mindsets I picked up from Arun, "I like being a regular" and "third place," had me choose Austin Bouldering Project as my gym. It's just fucking cool, and very attractive people are everywhere. I like the thought of becoming a regular there. A lot. People knowing my name, new friendships, maybe even finding a romantic partner who likes going to the same gym together. And third place is based on home being the first place and work being the second place. I love the midset of choosing ABP as my third place. I bring my laptop and co-work upstairs after working out. I chill in the sauna.

These are all such different mindset orientations than I've ever had before, and I hope writing this helps me remember that when I do it wisely from the right mindsets, exercise and going to the gym feels friggin amazing.

I am the luckiest (but mostly the best). Today is the 9th anniversary of my first date with Jeff and, at 31 years old, I am struck by how incredibly blessed I am to have been with a partner for almost a decade and to truly feel that over 3,285 days of knowing with him I really have grown to love him more every day. 

As I sit reflecting on this happy milestone, I notice something thematic for me lately is touched again. I hold up together the blessings only the Universe (and the-Universe-as-Jeff, or the "Other" in this case) could offer me and the sense of accomplishment I have for the way I (and Jeff-as-the-other-half-of-Us, which I really relate to as a part of "I") chose to show up for this connection. There feels to me like a fractaling infinitude of truth on either of these hands, but I'm pretty metaphorically right-handed in that I watch myself have a strong aesthetic preference for my sense of accomplishment.

I know this incredible love I have with Jeff can't be taken for granted and that it is far from an accident. I know I can read my statement of this belief as testimony to the synchronicity of life, the mystery of life as a karmic being, etc. but I tend to relate to it more readily as saying something like the Universe may have brought Us together but the life we built together is a living monument to the power and wisdom and devotion we have chosen in connection with one another. "We are really doing something right here."

Sharing this, I hold myself with a sort of humility. Laying out the duality, the non-duality seems obvious and beautiful and my little quirk of preference seems a little strange. I'm curious why I so often take such a stand for our agency and impactfulness and feel missed when those with the complementary aesthetic preference move to emphasize how much our love has relied on blessings beyond ourselves. Neither preference really calls for justification; neither are more or less "Right" than the other - no matter how fiercely I've held mine. 

And then I rest in my clown, happy to embrace and even exaggerate the funny little quirk of my character and belly laugh with you about it. 

Sure, I met the love of my life at 22!!! I was a baby!!!!! I could maybe live long enough to get to know him for SEVEN decades!!! Maybe more!!!!! This sort of good fortune is wildly beyond anything anyone could ever earn, deserve, accomplish.

I am the luckiest. 

But I have also never met anyone who was so brave in seeking love, so fierce in her determination to grow to be a better partner, so devoted to the study of loving deeper, so thoughtful in weaving the way she was born together with the way she wants to be. I am so happy and in love and so incredibly shamelessly proud of myself. 

I am the luckiest, but I'm mostly the best. 

You're codependent but luckily codependency isn't bad. Picture it, two astronauts floating deep in space. Don't worry how they got here, just know that they're floating so close they can touch. Do you know how space works? If we're in space and I actually bump you or something bumps into me...we'll float...away...possibly forever. So what do we do?

We build a tether. Some astronauts make the tether out of common household chores. You cook and I'll mow the lawn. Or roles. I'm the disciplinarian and you'll make sure the kids feel loved. I'll be strong and you'll use hypnosis to calm me down...like how Black Widow lullabies the Hulk back into Bruce Banner.

We need the tether of codependency. If I say that I'll meet you at the movie theater at 7 and don't arrive until 8, why do you think that means I don't love you? You're a fully functional adult who can see a movie perfectly fine on your own. If I don’t show up at 7, does that mean I’ve let go of the tether? Or were we using that tether to hold something deeper in place? "Hey now, hey now, it's just bad logistics! I can still love you and know that I don't want to live a life where I'm showing up to places to meet and there's nobody there!" Got it. "Let's keep that thing where we show up to places when we say." Codependency is practical!

But sometimes it’s not. When I turn down my extroversion because your introversion doesn't want too many people coming close too fast, why does that mean you love me? Codependency is awesome...until it's not. It's because a healthy human always keeps developing. Healthy people change. What's stopping a lot of the change is we all subconsciously think we're loved for our roles. We think we're loved for our tethers. But if you think about it, we made the tether to secure the love.

And if I’m honest, sometimes I still engage in codependency because I don’t know how else to feel like I deserve love. If I’m useful, if I adapt, if I help — then maybe I won’t be left behind. It’s not always noble. Sometimes it’s a survival reflex dressed up in affection. But it’s real. It’s me. I’m trying. I’m learning to trust that love might still be there even if I stop earning it.

When someone starts wilting because they don't believe they can change, the tether becomes brittle. Think of the extrovert who stops going out. Think of the caregiver who forgets to care for themselves. It may stubbornly hang on but it's ready to go. Then it becomes "The Crucible of Relationship" (restated: the place where relationships reforge and reforge those who are in them) I'm not gonna turn down my extroversion anymore. It was hurting me to do so. You're going to "feel" abandoned. But I'm still right here. Now I'm more the new me. Why do you think it means I've floated away? I'm right here. Look at me. I don't know me either. I just became. A little older. A little more free. A little more me. I didn't even know this was me before I became but...I can feel it now. This feels more me. If we love each other and I just became...I think that means love is deeper than identity.

This is the mystical path of codependency. It's mystical because every time we shed an illusion about love, we get closer to what’s eternal in us. Together it leads us to the distillation of love. "I thought love was this!" And then "this" was gone. "Do we still love each other?" Yes. "Then love must be a more subtle 'this'!" And when that 'this' is gone we ask again, "Do we still love each other?" A thousand times a million times a billion. It will be painful, but most painful the first time. The pain will be reversely correlated to how much we are mistaking the tether for the love.

Please don't erase all your codependencies to try to meet God quicker. Just the brittle ones. The supple ones are merely love in action. You can feel it, can’t you? When I wash the dishes after you’ve cooked with a smile on my face. I love you.

#Deeptakes

Current Session "instructions" (Feb 26): Converse, and see if nudges happen. nudges 

We launched a system where the AI bots can automatically detect intervention points. We need you to make a bunch of comments and new posts to see if they'll engage. So this week we're asking you to engage a bunch, if you can!

It's a little rudimentary at the moment so sometimes you'll get multiple bots responding on multiple posts. We'd love your feedback on which ones you like, don't, when it seemed to miss the spot, anything else you notice. 

Thanks and love yall

J (and the UpTrust team)
p.s. this week I'm at an investor meeting so dara will be with you

# [Optional Zoom](https://us02web.zoom.us/j/86795216050?pwd=TllxSzYrTFFXTW5LRmg3WUQrT04vdz09) with Jordan and Dara at least, for faces, questions, help, etc:

How were people's holidays? I was pretty sick for a few days—that was painful, but at the same time it was very peaceful because I couldn't do anything... I didn't even want to watch Netflix. Helped me reorient my schedule and see and start to let go of assumptions of time, what gets done, prioritize energy, etc

How were people's holidays? I was pretty sick for a few days—that was painful, but at the same time it was very peaceful because I couldn't do anything... I didn't even want to watch Netflix. Helped me reorient my schedule and see and start to let go of assumptions of time, what gets done, prioritize energy, etc

Timeline of Events in Brian Thompson Assassination. On December 4, 2024, UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson was assassinated outside the New York Hilton Midtown. The suspect, later identified as Luigi Mangione, 26, shot Thompson multiple times before fleeing on an e-bike. Thompson was pronounced dead shortly after. Mangione, who stayed in NYC for 10 days prior, was arrested on December 9 in Pennsylvania and charged with second-degree murder. The attack is believed to be a symbolic act targeting the healthcare industry.

November 24, 2024

• 10:11 p.m.: Suspect arrives in New York City on a Greyhound bus from Atlanta, Georgia.

November 24 – December 3, 2024

• Suspect checks into the HI New York City Hostel on the Upper West Side using a falsified New Jersey ID and pays in cash.
• He stays at the hostel for ten days, checking out on December 3.

December 4, 2024

• 5:30 a.m.: Suspect leaves the hostel, likely by bike.
• 6:15 a.m.: Suspect exits the 57th Street F Train subway station.
• 6:17 a.m.: Suspect purchases coffee, water, and granola bars at a Starbucks near the New York Hilton Midtown hotel.
• 6:30 a.m.: Surveillance footage captures the suspect walking while talking on the phone.
• 6:39 a.m.: Suspect arrives in front of the New York Hilton Midtown hotel and waits.
• 6:44 a.m.: Brian Thompson leaves his hotel. The assailant shoots him multiple times, then flees northbound via a pedestrian walkway.
• 6:46 a.m.: Police respond to a 911 call reporting the shooting.
• 6:48 a.m.: Officers find Thompson with multiple gunshot wounds. He is taken to Mount Sinai West hospital. The assailant is seen riding an e-bike into Central Park.
• 6:59 a.m.: Suspect is seen riding a bike on West 85th Street.
• 7:04 a.m.: Suspect enters a northbound taxi at 86th Street and Amsterdam Avenue.
• 7:12 a.m.: Thompson is pronounced dead at Mount Sinai West hospital.

December 9, 2024

• Morning: Luigi Mangione, 26, is arrested in Altoona, Pennsylvania, in connection with the assassination.
• Afternoon: Mangione is charged with second-degree murder and other related offenses.

December 11, 2024

• Mangione appears in court, contests extradition to New York, and is held without bail pending a governor’s warrant.

Can someone actually have any Teal if they score 0% Orange, Amber, Red, and Magenta? Going through the scores of the Better Political Conversations quiz is fascinating. (reference: https://www.guidedtrack.com/programs/we0q1pq/run)

Now, this very well could have been someone running an experiment to test the scoring, or to try to get a sense of a friend or family member, but they did give a name where a lot of people leave that blank.

Their scores are:
Teal 55%
Green 45%
Orange 0%
Amber 0%
Red 0%
Magenta 0%

Is it at all possible that someone could select every single response at Orange, Amber, Red, and Magenta as False, wrong, or just doesn’t make sense and have any actual Teal?

Also interesting, I got an email from someone who thinks of himself as primarily Orange, but was surprised that his quiz results came out 0% Orange. He referenced his Meyers-Briggs results as a reference in support. Utterly fascinated, I’ve asked him to let me know what correlation he sees between the Integral levels and Meyers-Briggs, and I’ve asked him what statements at Orange would have had his quiz results come out accurate for him.

Each time I make a significant edit in the content of the project I make a note of the change in the google sheet where I’m keeping track of scores. Here are the averages of the currently 75 scores:

Amber 26%
Green 25%
Teal 21%
Red 12%
Orange 11%
Magenta 5%

One blatant pattern I’m seeing is that high Green scores ALWAYS pair with a high score in Amber, and that people who have that pairing always score exceedingly low in Red and quite low in Orange.

Where should I be on the platform for VP debate content? Hey y’all,

Excited to experiment with this! Doesn’t feel obvious to me where I should be in order to see discussion/content related to the debate. Testing out a post to see what happens. Any pointers?

Some Thoughts on Boundaries. Boundaries are mine. My portals to connection. They’re statements of fact: “whoops, I’m sorry, it turns out I can’t love from here anymore.”

The purest form doesn’t require anyone else to uphold. I can say “no” to a party I don’t want to go to. I can turn off my phone at bedtime. Asking someone not to interrupt me or not answering emails after work can feel a little trickier to uphold, because I have to be willing to walk away.

There are a bunch of socially agreed upon boundaries that are upheld by law enforcement, like cease and desists or restraining orders. It’s often not simple—in Texas I have a right to refuse anyone setting foot on my property (but what about racism, when my property is a business?).

There are some thoughts for now...

Do I post too much here? . I like to keep it active, respond to everyone’s comments, etc, but I get nervous that I’m too dominate on the platform. How is it for y’all? And if you could just turn a knob to increase or decrease the Jordan-post-flow, would you adjust it in any direction? Or maybe there are other important frames you want to speak to that this doesn’t address?

Who should date me? I get really pumped about what can be possible for online dating in UpTrust.

For example, someone having high current trust scores from a majority of his exes.

Or me going through all my single friends who are the gender I date and posting on their Dating Recommendations tree posts like I adore him as a friend and would totally want to date him if we wanted the same lifestyle! He gives the best hugs and is someone whose opinion I value highly when I make major decisions. I’d like to see him with a woman who embraces spirituality and likes throwing Superbowl parties.

So here’s my personal test-drive. Feel free to populate this tree with your opinions on my dating life, recommendations, questions, etc. <3

Who should date me? I get really pumped about what can be possible for online dating in UpTrust.

For example, someone having high current trust scores from a majority of his exes.

Or me going through all my single friends who are the gender I date and posting on their Dating Recommendations tree posts like I adore him as a friend and would totally want to date him if we wanted the same lifestyle! He gives the best hugs and is someone whose opinion I value highly when I make major decisions. I’d like to see him with a woman who embraces spirituality and likes throwing Superbowl parties.

So here’s my personal test-drive. Feel free to populate this tree with your opinions on my dating life, recommendations, questions, etc. <3

Anyone drinking molecular hydrogen rich water? A friend of mine bought a water bottle that turns regular water into hydrogen rich water. She’s been drinking this water for several months and swears by it. She says she has more energy, recovers easily from physical exercise, and her senses are heightened.

The water bottle is distributed by a MLM. I thought it was a new thing. But I researched and was surprised to see how popular molecular hydrogen rich water is.

I’ll usually an early adopter of stuff like this but I’m hesitant because the long-term effects are not known.

Is there anyone drinking this stuff? What has your experience been?

Awareness of Awareness rambling thoughts. What keeps me up at night or what entertains me when other reasons (hormones, sugar, light/sound, etc.) keep me up at night is thinking bout awareness and what is aware of the thinking. This loop seems to never bore me and although i fear it’s some kind of loop that keeps me stuck. Live in thoughts like i don’t know anything for sure except for that. The loops are a life constant and also part of the fun of living. Is this a bypassing. Is this a distraction from something deeper.

Aware i’m thinking and typing now. What is noticing this. Sometimes the answer is just my mind is noticing and there isn’t much awareness of the entire view of this happening from a spot on the wall in this room, or from above looking at the roof of my office.

Is this even followable? The rambling thoughts?

What lately has been getting me to the wider awareness outside of it’s all in the mind is time. Have I ever typed before? Had thoughts before and been aware of the thoughts before? this awareness of this self over time feels much wider and less I like.

This is what i’ve been thinking bout in the middle of the night when I can’t sleep. Does it keep me up? Or is this so much more relaxing and fun then thinking bout bills and the to do lists ahead or the incompletely to do lists behind?